Photo by Drew Rae from Pexels
QUESTION:
I have 2 step-daughters, ages 11 and 8, who spend half of
their time with us and half with their mom. We don’t allow them to use any form
of social media and have explained to them the dangers. However, at their
mom’s, they do anything they want, so we have found accounts on apps like
music.ly and sing, as well as Snapchat and Facebook. We haven’t been sure how
to handle this, besides letting them know that we do not allow it because we
care about them and want to protect them. Should they be disciplined by us when
they do things at their mom’s house? I worry things will get worse as they get
older, because they have little to no discipline and hardly any stability with
their mom (they’ve been in 4 different homes with 2 boyfriends in the last year
with her). This has caused them to sometimes prefer to be with us and ask to
stay extra days since they feel more secure and I think they like having some
structure, but I worry as they get to be teens they will prefer not having
rules.
ADVICE/SUGGESTION:
Is it possible that you and their mother can sit down
together and discuss some of these items regarding the raising/discipline of
your two stepdaughters? Or is the dynamic such that that can't happen?
Assuming that there is little possibility of compromise or
agreement, I recommend that you continue to do the right thing. Your home
represents stability, structure, and firm consistency with love. Unbeknownst to
most children(including teens), they DO prefer structure and boundaries. There
will always be certain things you just
will not be able to monitor or control when there are two households with
differing views/boundaries. Your
children are to follow your rules when they are in your house. Keep strong and
don't cave--and avoid the natural tendency to directly or indirectly criticize
their mother. So, to answer your question: No--they probably should not be
disciplined when they do things at their mom's house. Suggestion: Since no
social media is allowed in your house(which is wise, by the way), have a list
of fun, interesting, productive options for them to do in lieu of social media
when they come stay. Keep me updated!
Mike Smart
Certified Leadership Parenting Coach
smartmike59@gmail.com
