Question:
Threenagers worse than the terrible twos?
My 3.5 yr old daughter is very disrespectful toward myself and my husband. She's frequently whining, throwing tantrums, and during those tantrums yelling at mom and dad. We discipline but not sure it's working? Are we putting her in timeout for too long and she forgets why she's in trouble?
Advice/Suggestions:
I feel your pain. When my wife and I were raising our four children, I was aware of the horrors of the Terrible Twos. But the 2's were relatively peaceful for us. But when they turned 3+, I was shocked when the devil in them arose--ha! For three of our children, the 3's were the Terrible Twos. So the fact that your daughter goes ballistic much more as a three year old is not that uncommon.
A couple of sidenotes: Timeouts tend not to make a lasting impression on the child, and are best used for relatively obedient children who may have misstepped briefly. Your situation is beyond that. And no, she has not forgotten why she is in trouble. Also, just because a parenting strategy isn't working, give it some time--and never cave to the child's emotional screaming and begging.
There are periodic occasions when you can play oblivious, and her milder tantrums can be ignored and should be---pretend that you don't hear her; and you can even act like your talking on the phone, enjoying a conversation with a friend or whatever. Or tell her other siblings, "Let's go to the front porch and have a popsicle," all the while being poised and happy. The point being that little Juniorette eventually realizes that no tantrumizing or negative, attention-getting behaviors will affect your life in any way. And unfortunately for her, when she recovers from her overdramatizing, she won't get a popsicle . But if the tantrums are frequent or too extreme(which I gather they are or you would not have posed the question on this site)that you are unable to ignore them, then may I present my own version of a couple of Rosemond techniques that have been successful for the parents in my practice:
1. Use the Tantrum Room- a special place(maybe the bathroom or laundry room--or even her bedroom, if nothing else is available)where she can to scream and pound the floor and tantrumize to her heart's content. Rosemond calls it the Powder Room---the place for a child to go when emotions get out of control. You can tell her she needs to go "take a powder." When things are calm show her this designated place, informing her that it is her special yelling and crying spot. Show her the oven timer or an alarm clock, and tell her when she hears the timer go off after ten minutes( or more), she can come out from her Powder Room--and not until then--if she is ready to be a "big girl". So whenever she has a conniption or is on the verge thereof, put her in her Most Extraordinary Place, and then set the alarm. You may have to take her by the hand or even be more forcible physically to make sure she goes to the room and stays. Do a trial run. You can act like her and pitch a fit(to show her how silly it looks), and pound the floor-- and then she can be the mommy who tells you to "go take a powder." Set the alarm for a minute and show her once in the room how to yell and pound the floor or whatever, and also show her how to calm down. Sidenote: Wherever you locate her Powder Room, make sure that anything that may cause her to hurt herself or any sharp loose objects are removed. You may also want to remove most items of entertainment value, so it will remain a place of which she does not want to go; maybe use a room with just a few pillows and a few books that she can peruse. Laundry rooms tend to work best.
Also, feel free to use "The Doctor": Tell her you talked to the Doctor and that he said that when 3- year olds throw tantrums, it is because they are too tired and may need to go bed early for a few nights; and that you as her mommy must do what the Doctor orders.
In summary: Playing the oblivious game, having her go to bed early, calling on the Doctor, and especially, using the tantrum room are four techniques you may want to consider using. Chapter 4 of Rosemond's book, "The Well-Behaved Child" details a similar situation further and is a great resource.........Keep me updated or contact me for clarification.
