Thursday, September 13, 2018

Parent Question: Better Half






Photo by Drew Rae from Pexels


QUESTION:
I have 2 step-daughters, ages 11 and 8, who spend half of their time with us and half with their mom. We don’t allow them to use any form of social media and have explained to them the dangers. However, at their mom’s, they do anything they want, so we have found accounts on apps like music.ly and sing, as well as Snapchat and Facebook. We haven’t been sure how to handle this, besides letting them know that we do not allow it because we care about them and want to protect them. Should they be disciplined by us when they do things at their mom’s house? I worry things will get worse as they get older, because they have little to no discipline and hardly any stability with their mom (they’ve been in 4 different homes with 2 boyfriends in the last year with her). This has caused them to sometimes prefer to be with us and ask to stay extra days since they feel more secure and I think they like having some structure, but I worry as they get to be teens they will prefer not having rules.

ADVICE/SUGGESTION:
Is it possible that you and their mother can sit down together and discuss some of these items regarding the raising/discipline of your two stepdaughters? Or is the dynamic such that that can't happen? 
Assuming that there is little possibility of compromise or agreement, I recommend that you continue to do the right thing. Your home represents stability, structure, and firm consistency with love. Unbeknownst to most children(including teens), they DO prefer structure and boundaries. There will always be  certain things you just will not be able to monitor or control when there are two households with differing views/boundaries.  Your children are to follow your rules when they are in your house. Keep strong and don't cave--and avoid the natural tendency to directly or indirectly criticize their mother. So, to answer your question: No--they probably should not be disciplined when they do things at their mom's house. Suggestion: Since no social media is allowed in your house(which is wise, by the way), have a list of fun, interesting, productive options for them to do in lieu of social media when they come stay.  Keep me updated!

Mike Smart
Certified Leadership Parenting Coach
smartmike59@gmail.com

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