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| Image by Ben Kerckx from Pixabay |
QUESTION:
We have five children, and multiple questions, but I'll just focus on one here. My oldest son and daughter (ages 10 and 7) fight regularly. My son is a teaser, and my daughter is a screecher. So it's a lovely combination. At times my son has gotten physical with her, hitting her. Then there are the times he touches her (like lightly hitting the back of her head) and she isn't really hurt, but her reaction is just as noisy. Then today, (and this wasn't the first time) she turned around and punched one of her sisters, age 4, rather hard in the stomach. That poor girl just takes it, though, and if I had not seen it with my own eyes, I might not have heard about it. She was sent to her room for the rest of the day, and it was an effective consequence.
My question is about how to let them try and resolve their own conflicts. When my older daughter tells me that her older brother hit her, I have to take it with a grain of salt, and wade through the murky waters of trying to figure out what really happened. Then with the 4 year old girl, I want to listen to her, but not turn her into a tattler, and get addicted to being the victim, although in truth, I think she tend to actually be. How can I listen? When do I need to listen? When "punching" is really more like actually "lightly hitting" how do I draw the line? (We have said that our son may not touch his sister at all, but that is an unrealistic statement.)
ADVICE/SUGGESTION:
First off--stop listening to each child's own individual versions. Instead, use the "Peacekeeping Room"--akin to John Rosemond's Conference Room--when it comes to dealing with sibling conflict. Put an index card on the refrigerator. Title the card with "Do not Disturb the Family Peace" and list three rules below it: 1. Keep your conflict to yourselves. No one else should be disturbed. 2. Do not complain or tattle to Mom or Dad about each other. 3. Do not physically hurt one another(See ch. 4 of "The Well-Behaved Child" by John Rosemond).
As much as you will be tempted to, try not to interfere at all with any sibling friction. Don't allow tattling, ignore the situation and let them work it out, even if it seems that one person(usually the younger) is getting the short end of the stick; of course if one sibling is ALWAYS the loser in the situation, you may feel the need to jump in(periodically I have put just one of the offenders in the Peacekeeping Room)--but that should be RARE.
However, if any of the three rules are definitely broken, ask no questions, and send the siblings to the "Peacekeeping Room"--a small room in the house, such as the laundry room , guest bedroom; a place that is small and boring--where they have to face each other and work the problem out with no distractions. They are to set an alarm clock for 10-15 minutes, go into the room and shut the door. When the alarm sounds, they may come out only if things have been worked out. If they haven't gotten things worked out, send them in again for another 15 minutes or more. It won't take long before they get the point.
This is the best way for them to learn Conflict Resolution and you are now not part of the equation at all. You carry no burden--they do. Eventually, they will not want to go in to that boring Peacekeeping Room, where there is nothing to do, and sibling rivalry will decrease significantly.
Mike Smart CLPC
"Parenting Outsmarted"
smartmike59@ gmail.com
