QUESTION:
Our youngest daughter is ten years old. She will not sit at the dinner table without scowling, covering her ears or slamming her hand on the table because she thinks her father chews too loudly. This behavior started about 3 months ago when we began eating meals together at home three times daily because of covid. We still eat dinner together now and occasionally breakfast. We have tried every form of punishment-taking away her food, sending her to her room, —and she can’t seem to sit peacefully and enjoy dinner. Would love to hear what Mr. Rosemond would recommend.
ADVICE/ SUGGESTIONS:
One of the reasons your daughter makes a big deal out of the mealtime--is it possibly because YOU give too much credence to her negative attention-getting behavior? The Family Meal should be a peaceful place with no complaining/scowling/other antics, with edifying conversation, and with the eating of food; a Family Connection time. Because your daughter disrupts the Family Connection, she needs to not be a part of it for the time being. Next mealtime, and thereafter until you see fit, give her her meal alone--maybe fifteen minutes or so before the Family Meal. Put a little spoonful or two of everything you made on her plate, tell her it's time to eat, plop her plate down in front of her and leave the room; come back in ten minutes and if she has eaten everything, give her seconds of anything that was served. If she throws a tantrum or a fit of sorts that can't be ignored during her alone mealtime, she will be dismissed and sent to her room, with an earlier bedtime, and with no snacks the rest of the day. If she is not done eating when you come back after ten minutes to check on her, give her another five minutes. Whatever you do, don't allow her to finish eating during the Family Mealtime. Don't get upset; be poised, smile, and ignore any mild misbehaviors, if possible. The more credence you give to her mealtime antics, the more she will continue to do them. When there is no audience for her tantrums, etc., and when hunger sets in---she will get the picture, good behavior will return, and she will be able to join the Family Meal again. But she needs to prove to you that she can behave consistently well during her early alone mealtimes, before she rejoins the rest of the family. My suggestion: seven-to-ten A+ behavior early alone mealtimes in a row--before she rejoins. Note: Missing a meal or two--or going without snacks can be a good thing. Hunger is a great motivator for good behavior. Discussing her behaviors in a thoughtful civil way is fine, but do it only when the Iron is Cold, say at bedtime. (Thanks to John and Sarah for some helpful insights).
Mike Smart, CLPC
"Parenting OutSmarted"
smartmike59@gmail.com
