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QUESTION:
I am at my wits end. I am doing my best to do the ticket system with my children. My 4 year old daughter has maybe made it 1 day, at least until bedtime, without losing all of her tickets since we started about 3 weeks ago I believe. My issue is bedtime, she makes bedtime as difficult as humanly possible, she makes a million requests and asks a million questions and if at any time you draw a line she loses her ever loving mind. Absolutely no amount of preparing her that if she acts in a certain way she will lose xyz makes a bit of difference. She will NOT stay in her bedroom on her own no matter what so as advised there is a lock on the door, her bedroom is empty and her bed is on the floor. However, if her door is locked in order to contain her she will simple stand and bang on the door as hard as her little arms and legs can over and over and over. Our house is not large and it is very LOUD and enough to make any human being mental. HOW can I make this stop? I don’t feel like her behavior has improved in the slightest and really the only thing we’ve gotten out of it is the peace of her being confined to her room when she is not banging on the door. Other then making her stay in her room the entire next day I’m out of options of things to take away from her.
ADVICE/ SUGGESTIONS:
I've noticed you've availed yourself of a variety of viewpoints on this website. I think you may be to the point that you might want to invest a few hundred dollars by hiring a Parenting Coach--since dealing with your daughter's issues has been a source of some ongoing turmoil. At times it is difficult to communicate solely through this website; there are too many nuances involved in familial relationships--that can only be truly understood through a more personal interaction. That being said, here are some thoughts based on the information you have revealed:
1. Finding the best parenting technique or strategy is NOT a priority in your situation.
2. Your response to her misbehavior IS a top priority.
3. Feel good that she is only four. If she were fourteen, solutions become much more difficult to find. This too shall pass.
4. Keep things simple.
5. Patience--this may not be solved quickly.
6. Show extra love and tenderness toward your daughter when the "iron is cold"; times when things are calm(bedtime is a good time for close moments). This kind of 1 on 1 time is immensely valuable.
Suggestion: Your daughter needs to see that her misbehavior does not affect you in any way. You may be feeling turmoil inside, but don't let that show. Even when she "loses her everloving mind", you will always present yourself as calm, poised, content, and resolute. If she goes 3-D on you(Defiance, Disrespect, or Disobedience), give her consequences in a matter-of-fact manner, verbalizing the offense in as few a words as possible, and move on. She will be loud and throw tantrums initially, but don't cave. Pretend you can't her hear while she is confined to her room, having a conniption fit. Buy some legit headphones, and crank up the music! After several days of spending much of each day in her room----as long as you don't cave--you will began to see your special little girl gradually start to rappear. Use a timer , set it outside her bedroom door, and inform her that she may come out when the alarm goes off. As a sidenote, why are you allowing her to "make a million requests, and ask a million questions"? After a question/request or two, tell her that you're busy and walk away, and put your headphones on.
Again, this is a simplified response based on my limited knowledge of the situation, and I will reiteratively suggest the hiring of a Rosemond Parenting Coach. And may I also recommend heartily the reading of John Rosemond's book "The Well-Behaved Child."
Mike Smart, CLPC
Parenting Coach
smartmike59@gmail.com
