Question:
When I put my children in the conference room for sibling conflict, what do you do if all they do is yell and fight while in there? Currently I just add more time when they start fighting. Sometimes it helps-- other times it does not.
Advice/Suggestions:
Some additional information would be helpful, such as: How long have you been using the conference room (preferably, the "Peace Making Place") for sibling conflict? What are the ages of your children and/or what is the age gap? Is one of the siblings typically the instigator/perpetrator? Are there two siblings involved, or more than two? Do they fight physically, and is the room safe from any "weapons"? Where is the Peace Making Place located in the house? How do you know that they "yell and fight?" The answer to these questions would allow me to fine-tune my answer. Feel free to provide this information, if you want to post about this topic again. However, I will provide some general guidelines that may help answer your question, based on the particulars given.
As long as we don't have a "gingham dog /calico cat" situation happening(where the conflict becomes physical), I would stay the course. These things take time. I would use a timing device (maybe an alarm clock, or timer on your phone, etc.) and set the number of minutes they are to stay in the PMP(Peace Making Place), based on the degree of their misbehavior. Once they are in the PMP, and the door is shut, remove yourself from hearing distance, especially if the yelling/fighting is bothersome to you. It is good for them to "figure it out", without your intervention, if at all possible. Feel free to add minutes for any variety of reasons. Allow them to come out when the alarm goes off, and ask them if they have worked out their conflicts. If things are resolved, have them give each other a hug, and they are free to go. If they haven't rectified the situation, they go back into the PMP for ten additional minutes or more. But trust me, they WILL work it out They will NOT want to go back in there. Be sure the amount of time required in the PMP is long enough to produce a lasting memory for your children. Employ this technique throughout with an air of nonchalance and unemotional poise---yet with resolve and firmness. If you have any further questions or concerns, feel free to contact me.
Mike Smart, CLPC
"Parenting OutSmarted"
smartmike59@gmail.com
