Parenting Question: Prevailing not Travailing

Image by Keith Johnston from Pixabay

QUESTION:
My question is am I being too harsh by taking the one sport that she loves to play away?  Is there a more effective consequence I should consider?  I should mention that she also suffers from depression and has been hospitalized for talking about suicide.  She needs to keep busy so I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing by taking away something that is good for her and gives her confidence; however, she needs to learn some respect and other methods of discipline haven't worked.  Any suggestions?

Thank you!


ADVICE/ SUGGESTION:
A daughter who hits puberty and has become "defiant, rude, and disrespectful" is NOT "normal." For most of our country's existence, teens were typically mature, responsible, and able to self-restrain. However, the idea of a child going from compliant to defiant once the teen years hit has definitely become more and more common the past few decades. One of the most common prevailing and travailing sentiments I hear from parents of teens is, "she wasn't like this when she was younger."  Being a public high school teacher and basketball coach for many years gives me the qualifications--at least to some degree--to make a substantial comment on this matter.
    A 14-year old wants(and needs) more independence as emancipation approaches. Tell her you want to stop "parenting" her and that you will allow certain privileges if she shows responsibility. Do not micromanage, or try to find out everything that is going on in her life.  Teens do like to be left alone. However, tell her you will be glad to step back as long as she is responsible in her behavior and in helping around the house, etc. If you told her that you would not pay for travel basketball as a consequence for her misbehavior, then follow through.  If you want to modify it slightly, tell her she can earn the money to pay for the travel team, and then assign her some extra duties around the house that will be strenuous and time-consuming enough that it will imprint a memory. And even though  you have taken the phone away for months, and that didn't appear to work---you did the right thing; and maybe you should do it again. Just because your consequence didn't obtain the desired results from your child, doesn't mean you cave or question yourself. SHE is to agonize over her misbehavior, not you.  Even though your child continues to do the wrong thing, you should continue to do the right thing. Defiance, Disrespect, and Disobedience should never be overlooked or allowed in a household.
        I totally disagree with your ex-husband. His making excuses for your daughter will only enable her misbehavior. Her text to her friend was inappropriate and should not be shrugged off.   It appears you and your ex are on different "parenting pages", but that's okay. You do what is right when she is with you. She may initially hate you for it, but your firmness and stability will win out in the long run. Keep your boundaries firm. And if she understands them and stays within them, you may allow her more privileges and freedom; and then you can begin to become a "low-involvement" parent.
     One caveat: If she is seeing a therapist for her possible depression, my advice should be waived in favor of that of the mental health professional. However, in my experience, I believe she is most likely just being a rebellious teen that needs a memorable extraction of privileges. Discipline may be "painful for the moment, but will result in a harvest of righteousness and peace"- IN TIME.
     Contact me, if needed:
Mike Smart, CLPC
smartmike59@gmail.com
937-925-6136

Parenting Question: Toying with Grandma

QUESTION:
My six-year-old granddaughter is terrible about helping her sister put up toys. She always has been. Before my daughter died, she was trying hard to get her to obey without all the drama, and the child stayed grounded most of the time.  Also, she acts like she doesn't hear adults most of the time. I only have them for a weekend about once a month, along with their two year old brother. It's very exhausting.  How should I handle this?


ADVICE/SUGGESTION:
I'm sorry about your loss. My sister was lost to our family when she was in her 30's, and I remember how much my mother grieved. And I'm sure more than anything, you want to provide a conducive environment for happiness in your home during the monthly weekend when you are the "parent."  And the one thing that research and testimonials continue to prove is that the happiest children are obedient children. So your six-year old needs to learn the art of obedience. There is a tendency to give leniency to the child in that regard due to the loss of her mother; and expecting and demanding obedience from her can seem less than compassionate. Don't fall for that belief! It's nothing more than enabling bad behavior.

Suggestion:  The next weekend when you have the crew, sit down with your six-year-old first thing and tell her that you enjoy having her over and that you want her to work on two misbehaviors:  1) Pretending not to hear adults (which is a passive act of disobedience, but a misbehavior nonetheless); and 2) Not helping when it's time to pick up toys. You can simply write in marker on an index card: 1. Picking up Toys; 2. Hearing Grandma when She Speaks. Write these two target misbehaviors on an index card and attach the card to the refrigerator. Then play "3 Strikes, You're Out." Once she commits an offense in either of those two categories, put an X on the index card (or maybe have her put the X on the card). When she gets her third X that day, then she has to have a memorable consequence; one that will make her feel bad enough that she won't do it again. YOU need to decide what consequence that will be.  Send her to bed 90 minutes early. Do an extra chore for you. Don't allow her to go to a friend's house. No TV that weekend. If she cries, that is probably a sign that you chose the correct consequence. Once she knows you are serious about following through, she will eventually get with the program. 


Mike Smart CLPC "Parenting Outsmarted"