Too Much To-Do From a Toddler

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

QUESTION:
At 21 months, your daughter is still at the age where punishment/consequences are not the answer. She is still in Stage 1, the Season of Service, where she is solely dependent upon you, yet she thinks she is at the center of the universe; and that if you don't respond to her desires constantly and continually as she would like you to, she may very become upset.

ADVICE/SUGGESTION:
First, you cannot enable your child by picking her up each time she cries. Once you develop that habit, she will become conditioned to cry until you do pick her up--even if it takes an hour of crying/fussing. Secondly, inform her that you will pick her up only when she stops crying, whining. And avoid, if at all possible, picking her up when she does so.  Only pick her up after she has been quiet for several seconds--even minutes as she learns her lesson.  If she continues throwing a fit, pick her up and place her in her crib. And leave her there.  And trust me--she will not be happy. Buy some ear plugs-ha!  After 5-15 minutes, if she is quiet, you may get her. If she hasn't calmed down, be prepared to wait her out. The next time she "has a cow", you can try playing deaf and ignore her, but after a time---back to the crib she goes.  Use the baby monitor to periodically check on her if need be. And get ready--- she WILL wail for an extensive period of time at first.  One little thing I would do if I had to go get my daughter out of her crib for an appointment or a meal, etc., was I would go to her crib room door and while she was fussing, open it a crack and bark like a dog one time, then another, etc., hoping she would stop her crying long enough  to listen for a second so I could get her. But I always tried my best not to get her until there was some semblance of silence.  Be prepared!  The first few times she is "encribbed," she will throw an extensive fit; it will pull on your heartstrings and test your patience. But if you don't cave at all, she will be become trained to be calm and ask nicely if she wants attention and hugs.  And by the way, when she does ask you to pick her up in a nice manner, you should most of the time early on. But as time moves on, you should be able to say "no"  off and on without a negative reaction on her part. Learning to entertain herself for extensive periods of time is a "must" for a child, so as to enhance their imagination and creativity---and allow you some peace and quiet.

Mike Smart, CLPC
"Parenting OutSmarted"
Certified Parenting Coach

Kerfuffling Kids

QUESTION:
Hi! I have a 9 year old daughter and boy/girl twin 7 year olds. The twins tend to play really nicely together. They are also in the same class and the same group on the swim team. My 9 year old has verbalized feeling left out on multiple occasions. We encourage them to all play together but it often ends in a fight. Three really does seem to be a crowd! The 9 year old sometimes chooses a twin to play with and then leaves the other one out or is mean to them. I can’t properly describe it but it’s really sad and hard to watch. I don’t know what to do other than encourage them to all play together and talk to her about how she’s acting. Please help!


ADVICE/ SUGGESTION:
Stop monitoring their playtime, and RELAX. Stop trying to figure out who's to blame, and who's the victim. Stop allowing them to run in and whine to you.  Stop listening to each child's "side of the story."
         Give them two rules when the three of them play together: 1) No whining, running to mom, or tattling 2) No physicality(pushing, punching, etc).  Other than that, let them fight their own battles--without your involvement. Relax and enjoy the time alone. Maturity in a child comes with experiencing conflict, AND figuring out how to work things out between each other. Feelings will get hurt and one child may get left out at times. That's okay. Any time they break one of the rules and one comes to you whining or hurt from being hit---ALL three should be put in the PeaceMaking Room, a room such as the boring laundry room where there is very little to do, no entertainment, etc. Set an alarm clock for 15 minutes--if they keep complaining or slow-walk it to the PeaceMakingRoom(PR), then keep adding minutes: if they have to go to the bathroom or get a drink, add a minute, etc.  Do not listen to each individual's "story", just tell them they have 60 seconds(or whatever)to get in the PR. Their job in the PR is to work things out between each other and when the allotted time is up, you will check and see if they have solved the problem(s). Then they may come out.  If they haven't, add more time and back in to the PR they go. Invariably, they will say that they have worked things out. You may send them out to play again, or add a bit of spice to their punishment if the situation seems extra egregious, by assigning an extra  chore for them to do first.
In essence, when one breaks either of the two playtime rules, ALL must enter the PR.(One caveat: If you start to notice a pattern over time where one sibling in particular seems to be the one consistently causing the conflict, only that child will be sent to the PR; in addition, an early bedtime for a week or so may be in order). It won't take long before this goes from an major, emotionally-wrenching stressor, to just a periodic, rare, minor kerfuffle.

Mike Smart, CLPC
"Parenting OutSmarted"
smartmike59@gmail.com