Kerfuffling Kids

QUESTION:
Hi! I have a 9 year old daughter and boy/girl twin 7 year olds. The twins tend to play really nicely together. They are also in the same class and the same group on the swim team. My 9 year old has verbalized feeling left out on multiple occasions. We encourage them to all play together but it often ends in a fight. Three really does seem to be a crowd! The 9 year old sometimes chooses a twin to play with and then leaves the other one out or is mean to them. I can’t properly describe it but it’s really sad and hard to watch. I don’t know what to do other than encourage them to all play together and talk to her about how she’s acting. Please help!


ADVICE/ SUGGESTION:
Stop monitoring their playtime, and RELAX. Stop trying to figure out who's to blame, and who's the victim. Stop allowing them to run in and whine to you.  Stop listening to each child's "side of the story."
         Give them two rules when the three of them play together: 1) No whining, running to mom, or tattling 2) No physicality(pushing, punching, etc).  Other than that, let them fight their own battles--without your involvement. Relax and enjoy the time alone. Maturity in a child comes with experiencing conflict, AND figuring out how to work things out between each other. Feelings will get hurt and one child may get left out at times. That's okay. Any time they break one of the rules and one comes to you whining or hurt from being hit---ALL three should be put in the PeaceMaking Room, a room such as the boring laundry room where there is very little to do, no entertainment, etc. Set an alarm clock for 15 minutes--if they keep complaining or slow-walk it to the PeaceMakingRoom(PR), then keep adding minutes: if they have to go to the bathroom or get a drink, add a minute, etc.  Do not listen to each individual's "story", just tell them they have 60 seconds(or whatever)to get in the PR. Their job in the PR is to work things out between each other and when the allotted time is up, you will check and see if they have solved the problem(s). Then they may come out.  If they haven't, add more time and back in to the PR they go. Invariably, they will say that they have worked things out. You may send them out to play again, or add a bit of spice to their punishment if the situation seems extra egregious, by assigning an extra  chore for them to do first.
In essence, when one breaks either of the two playtime rules, ALL must enter the PR.(One caveat: If you start to notice a pattern over time where one sibling in particular seems to be the one consistently causing the conflict, only that child will be sent to the PR; in addition, an early bedtime for a week or so may be in order). It won't take long before this goes from an major, emotionally-wrenching stressor, to just a periodic, rare, minor kerfuffle.

Mike Smart, CLPC
"Parenting OutSmarted"
smartmike59@gmail.com