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| Image by Susanne Westpahl from Pixabay |
QUESTION:
My 8 year old daughter periodically does strange and destructive things (for example she has chewed on her dresser, etched her initials into her bathroom faucet, drew on the wall). I’ve always chalked it up to boredom or curiosity and disciplined as it happened. We just found out she has been pooping in the shower. She said it was because she had to go badly and didn’t want to get out wet and go to the toilet. She has no bowel or medical issues, and she owned up to it when confronted. She is otherwise pleasant and non-defiant. She’s been diagnosed with anxiety and ADHD, but we do not medicate and she does not have behavior problems at school. It almost seems like she doesn’t think through things like this and why she shouldn’t do them. I have no idea how to address this or discipline her for this other than to make her clean the bathtub herself. Please help!
ADVICE/SUGGESTIONS:
One thing is for sure: at some point in his/her young life, every child will lay claim to some behavioral peculiarities. The vast majority of these oddities should be no cause for concern for parents because the child outgrows these singular traits over time. The best practice would be to ignore much of those minor quirks. But when it involves property or personal destruction---you cannot ignore those things.
When I hear of a young child with anxiety issues, I immediately look at the parent. So my question to you is: Do YOU calamitize and overdramatize small issues? Do YOU become overly concerned and anxious yourself about things of somewhat lesser import? Or do you model a calm, poised, content demeanor? Your daughter's behaviors may continue if you make a big deal out of them. So next time your daughter chews on a piece of furniture or does her business again in the shower----without any detailed explanations or discussion, and in as few a words as possible, tell her to clean up her mess, and to come see you when she is done. Then walk away. Then when she comes to see you, levy a punishment that she won't soon forget. It must be a memorable one that causes her to NOT repeat the offense. Then refrain from discussing it anymore. Memorable offenses could include loss of screen privileges for 3 weeks; early bedtime for two or three weeks; not being with friends for two weeks, etc..........
The fact that she is typically "pleasant and non-defiant" with no behavior problems at school should be comforting to you. Those things are bigger issues than her periodic behavioral quirks. This makes me think that you have nothing to worry about; that she will grow out of this stage sooner rather than later. It also makes me believe that her anxiety and ADHD diagnoses are of minimal concern--as long as YOU forgo modeling overly-distressed behaviors. Kudos for not medicating her, by the way.
Keep me updated.
Mike Smart, CLPC
"Parenting OutSmarted"
smartmike59@gmail.com
