Don't Dis Respect

 

Question:

Our 8 year old has grown increasingly disrespectful. He is perfect respectful to adults like teachers and parents of his friends, so it is primarily an issue at home. 

Often the disrespect is related to feeling embarrassed by us. He is acutely aware of how he might come across to others, so he speaks disrespectfully when he feels embarrassed by us which seems to be often and for minor issues.  The disrespect does span to other situations-basically any time he feels like we did something with which he doesn’t agree. 

He is also often rude to his siblings. I know some sibling conflict is normal, but this seems excessive. I hear him multiple times per day tell his younger brothers how annoying they are, and he often yells at them to stop whatever behavior they are doing that he doesn’t like. 

We’ve been asking him to stop, and having him rephrase his disrespectful words, but this problem doesn’t seem to be improving. Thanks for your help in this matter. 

Advice/Suggestions:

During the early part of a child's latency period, he sometimes becomes self-conscious of his parents, usually around the 7-10 year age range....Therefore,  an 8-year old feeling embarrassed about his parents is not uncommon. The "Embarrassing Parent" syndrome may ebb and flow for the next several years, but he will outgrow it.  I wouldn't worry too much about that.  The disrespectful language and tone is more of a concern. However, the fact that he is perfectly respectful to adults OUT of  the home shows that he is perfectly capable of respecting the adults(and siblings) IN the home. Make it a "3-Strike and your Out" issue. Using a marker, number three index cards with the numerals 1-2-3 respectively, and clip the index cards to the refrigerator with a magnetic clip. Tell him ahead of time that any disrespect in word or tone toward his family members during the day will be dealt with. The first time during any particular day when he commits the sin of disrespect, have him go get the Strike 1 card from the refrigerator and hand it to you. With the second offense, have him hand you the Strike 2 card. On the third strike, levy a consequence---say, going to bed an hour early each day and no screen time for the next 3 days(or whatever--as long as he  really "feels" the consequence.)  Each day is a clean slate, starting with zero strikes. There is no need to discuss his offense each time he disrespects. Just calmly, in a few words, tell him to go grab a Strike card, and then drop the subject and move on. Show yourself to be completely unaffected by his behavior. Many kids love getting their parents riled up and relish the attention from them, even if it is negative. Let's not enable his attention-seeking behavior by "having a cow."   

And get ready! He will test you. Hold to the Strike Card program, and don't cave. He may pitch his own hissy fit, have a cow and a canary, but eventually he will get with the program--but he won't be cured in a day or two. Give it time. Let me know how things go.