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QUESTION:
Notwithstanding the answer to my preview question, my 11-year-old son exhibits an addiction to computers and we restrict his exposure because of this. Currently, we have one computer in the house and his use of it is heavily monitored. However the public schools issue iPads to all of the students and he uses it each day to access textbooks, books and supplementary materials. When he has completed his work, he also browses YouTube and plays video games. I have worked with the teachers to keep the iPad at school, but since the school year began his behaviors -- temper tantrums, lack of self control, deceitfulness and all-night computer games -- began exhibiting themselves again. He has even downloaded VPNs to bypass our blocking programs and figured out how to unlock our computers. Before school began, we were free of all these behaviors. We are already working to establish and maintain our authority. The computer issue, however, is an entanglement that hinders this fight because the behaviors have worsened throughout the school year. From what we can tell, there are 3 private schools in our area that offer education without or with limited usage of computers but the price tag is high. The other option is homeschooling. I do not want to keep feeding his addiction but I don't know if keeping him home until his brain can handle technology better is going to help him, either. I do not want my son to struggle with this addiction, but I am not sure he and I can handle homeschooling. How can I help my son who truly cannot manage this addiction?
ADVICE/SUGGESTION:
You are wise in your concern. Moreover, I will stress that something needs to be done--NOW!
One option: I would march in to the school with the proper attitude, and tell the administration that "my son exhibits an addiction to screens", and detail for them your son's symptoms----those that you noted above, regarding his behavior. A public school should have accommodations/modifications for those parents who want a somewhat "screen-less" education for their child.
There is one thing about which you may be wrong: his brain may NEVER be able to "handle technology." I have friends MY age who struggle with various technology-related addictions and health concerns; so there is little chance a child or teenager can manage it in a mature fashion. I would also do whatever you can to avoid allowing your son any unmonitored use of any screens(TV, iPad, video games, iPhone, etc.).....With the recent explosion in technology, we don't have enough data to know the extent of harm excessive screen time causes. Some examples of said harm:
obesity, avoidance of family members; no longer attending social functions; depressed, irritable, anxious; tantrums and
meltdowns; lying/deceit, back problems, eye discomfort and early onset of myopia; the viewing of pornography, violence, and
verbiage/thought not designed for 11-yr olds; pain in muscles/joints and neck; likely to suffer from attention disorder; less time
given to exploring, creating and using their imagination; negative effects on brain development....and so on.
And trust me, no parent or child ever estimates accurately the amount of weekly screen time being used by the child. Whenever I ask a parent to stop,watch, and record her child's usage for one week , the parent is typically mortified to discover that her child is in front of a screen far more than estimated. You will need to be a MEAN MOM when it comes to this. Do not underestimate the necessity for him to break free immediately from the chains of his addiction.
Other options:
1. See the administration(see above)---tell them because of his addiction, he will no longer be using the iPad at home. Ask them for other effective means for him to be educated.
2. Change schools
3. When he has the iPad at home, he must use it for homework only, and he must be in a high traffic area.
4. Use an alarm clock. When it goes off, he must stop his homework and give you the iPad--whether he's done or not. Keep it until he goes off to school the next morning.
5. Is there a monitored after-school program where he could do the homework, then leave the iPad at school?
5. Never should he be unmonitored when using screens.
6. Go on a "Screen Fast" for a week or two--No screens whatsoever. Summers are ideal for this; there is no school and the weather is nice.
7. No screens in his room--ever.
There are a lot of parents in your shoes who are now waking up and becoming counter-cultural when it comes to their child's use of technology. It is time to be one of those parents. Get ready---his reactions to your pulling the plug on him will be over-the-top and intense. Stay strong. He will become the son you used to have once again. Keep me updated.
Mike Smart, CLPC, "Parenting OutSmarted"
smartmike59@gmail.com
937-925-6136
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