Sunday, November 3, 2019

Making an Imprint


Image by Pexels from Pixabay


QUESTION:
Our two girls (6-year old and 4-year old) share one room. Today my wife told them to clean the table before dinner (where they made a mess while playing) and the girls just ignored her request. My wife then told them that she would do it herself and cleaned the table. After the dinner we canceled going for a walk and sent the girls to their room and explained the reason for doing so. It was around 7 pm. We told them to stay in their beds quietly. The beds are located approximately 4 feet from each other. First the older girl was more obedient and stayed in her bed, while the younger kept getting off the bed. We checked on them from time to time and when we saw 4-year old girl out of the bed or in the bed but with toys, we corrected her (returned her back in the bed or took away the toys). Whenever the younger girl was out of bed, the older girl would tell us on her or would secretly try to play with her.
Around 9 pm I told the girls to sleep, but few minutes later I found out that the older girl got in the bed to the younger girl and they were playing together. I pinched both of them, separated them, tucked them in and wished them good night.
Around 10 pm they were not sleeping yet and my wife came in to check on them. They prayed together and my wife sang a song, which helped them to fall asleep.

So we have 2 questions.
Question 1: What should we do when one of them or both of them do not stick to the punishment plan like described above?
Question 2: How to deal with the older girl telling on her sister? (On the one hand we are informed that the younger girl breaks the rules, but on the other hand we don’t like this telling on stuff).

Thank you in advance!

ADVICE/SUGGESTION:
You need to tell  your children know that from now on there will be
 1. No tattling, unless there are some extreme safety concerns. AND  2. If mom or dad ever has to do a chore that was assigned to you and we  have to do it, the hammer comes down with a very serious, memorable and persuasive consequence.

Answer to Question 1:   First off, I really didn't see any punishment given. Sending them to their room with toys available and with beds only four feet apart  sounds like a perfect setup for some mischievous banana time in the monkey cage. It is quite difficult for a four and six year old to deny the temptation to disobey with that setup.  They would probably rather have this punishment than clean up their initial mess.  The punishment needs to be truly felt emotionally by each girl. My recommendation is to separate them into different rooms; rooms where toys and fun distractions are not readily available. 

 Answer to question 2:  Don't allow tattling. So what if one of them happens to break a minor rule and you don't "catch them" or you don't know about it? Just relax and enjoy your break from the little ones. However, if  they know that YOU know a  rule was broken, THEN you will have to deal with it. Also do you really need to check on them off and on, and re-separate them into their own beds and re-tuck them in?  Just enjoy some husband-wife alone time. Just let them play together till they fall asleep. Does it really matter if they are in the same bed? Or if one ends up sleeping the night on the floor?

Final notes:  Based on the information given, I believe you need to change your philosophy about consequences. You need to etch a permanent imprint of the consequence on the mind of the disobeyers , with the goal in mind  that they won't disobey again. They WILL clean up after themselves--or they know they cannot go on tomorrow's playdate;  or they will not be able to go to their friend's birthday party; or TV or video games or any screens whatsoever will be off limits for the next 10 days; or maybe paint the fence out back, etc., etc..... I have a feeling the punishments that you have been implementing have  amounted to know more than a slap on the wrist. Remember-- It's okay if they cry. Crying at this age probably means you have administered the appropriate discipline. "Discipline is painful for the moment, but will eventually produce a harvest of righteousness and peace, in the long run."

Mike Smart, CLPC
"Parenting Outsmarted"
smartmike59@gmail.com

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