The Terrible Twos Part II: The Teen Years

Image by Anastasia Gepp from Pixabay

QUESTION:
My daughter is 14 years old and she thinks she is crazy in love for a boy in her school , same grade. She doesn't have a smart phone . But she bought an old phone from a friend for 80 dollars and used the phone to chat with her friends and the boy without our knowledge. We found that out yesterday. She hates me and my husband and wants to live at her friends house as they are the most loving and caring people in the world. She also writes about how she hates me as a parent and uses very strong cuss words to describe me as I am against her getting a phone.She tells me that she wants to pack her things and leave the house. Please advise.

ADVICE/SUGGESTIONS:
Your daughter has hit the "Terrible Twos Part II"; thus ending the Season of Leadership and Authority(ages 3-13). She truly is exerting her independence---which can be good if done in a profitable way for parent and child. It appears she is not doing it profitably. I, personally, have waded through the rumbustious waters of raising three daughters who were all in high school at the same time. And I lived to tell about it--ha!
      I would recommend investing a few hundred dollars in hiring a Rosemond Parenting Coach.  One online response to your above concerns from an expert in teen behavior may not be as helpful as you were hoping. There are just too many issues to cover. There are some concerns and questions that I have as well that may require more information.  Remember: You DO need to handle a teen differently than you did when she was a child.
 Food for Thought:  Where is the phone that she bought, without your knowledge? Does she still use it?  What were the consequences/punishment  for her doing that?  The defiance and disrespect she has shown in her writings---her hateful rhetoric and use of cuss words, etc., ---are a bit alarming, but not horribly unusual in families. Were there consequences for any of that?   Her writings? To whom is she writing these things?  As far as her relationship with the boy, have you established dating rules in your household?
     At this age, maintaining an open/sharing/communicative relationship with your daughter is key. At this point that sounds like a monumental task. But it is possible, with help.   But you will need to have a Meeting of Matters with your daughter where items are discussed such as what exactly are Privileges--and how Privileges are determined to the degree that the teen is responsible. For instance, having a smartphone is not a Right--it's a Privilege. And receiving a privilege is dependent  upon her ability to be responsible--in her behavior, choice of friends, language, family chores, grades, etc. To address  these concerns and others,  and to discuss how to lead a Meeting of Matters with your child, I suggest your hiring a Parenting Coach.   It WILL be worth it. This needs to be nipped in the bud NOW.

Mike Smart, CLPC
"Parenting OutSmarted"

smartmike59@gmail.com