QUESTION:
Hi John, my 9yr old daughter has taken to raising her voice, screaming, arguing, sarcasm and just downright disrespect when things aren't going her way. We have a target misbehavior chart and she can easily get 6 strikes within a tantrum - focuses on yelling, doing as you're told and harmful behavior (this last one is probably redundant). I am in the process of cleaning out her room for a lockdown when she gets home. During the tantrum she very much becomes the victim - it's not fair, everyone always takes, no-one ever does anything for me, etc... And then becomes sorry. One thing she always does is question what she has done - we always say it's the disrespect and how she is talking, but she doesn't seem to understand this??? Am I on the right track? What else can I do? I'm feeling quite deflated, upset and not sure of myself. Thanks ☹️
ADVICE/SUGGESTION:
It sounds like you could use the help of a certified Rosemond Leadership Parenting Coach. It may be worth the reasonable expense. However, I do believe you are on the "right track"; and if you're not? So what?!! As long as you "say what you mean and mean what you say", and don't cave---almost anything will work. Be consistent and be patient. And have a sense of humor when you can.
It does sound like a " lockdown" may be in order. I wasn't quite clear on the Target Misbehaviors--was "Harmful Behavior" one of them? That seems to be too broad of a category. Maybe you could have just two fairly specific Target Misbehaviors: Emotional Rants and Disobedience, for instance.
Also, I don't believe a child should garner all six strikes within an episode;maybe two at the most. Remember, you can give a punishment before six strikes if you deem it necessary.Is there a "Tantrum Room" at your disposal in which you can put your daughter for 10 to 30 minutes? You can make use of that and an alarm clock as well. Another little strategy during one of her conniption fits: tell Gertrude she has 3 minutes to run around the house five times;rain/shine/ hot/cold--doesn't matter. And the clock starts NOW! It's amazing how that physical exercise release sometimes does help the child calm down.
Also, how do you typically respond when she throws a tantrum? Conversely, how do you respond to her when she "feels sorry"?
May I also recommend utilizing the Art of Obliviousness----whenever your daughter employs her negative attention-seeking behavior.
Be oblivious to her yelling by "making a phone call"; ignore her temper tantrum by walking away to "do the laundry." Give your husband a kiss on the lips and laugh and hug with him while she is melting down. In other words, pretend not to notice your daughter and her egregious behavior while it is occurring, because you're busy doing other things. Later, when things have calmed down, you can always mete out strikes or give consequences. The key is to NEVER respond to her by yelling, losing your poise, or giving her attention while the "iron is hot." And remember: her "side of the story" is irrelevant--you're not going to listen to her excuses, especially while her emotions are out of control.
Let me know how the lockdown works. And, if necessary, employ a Rosemond Parenting Coach--who is always more-than-eager to help.
Mike Smart, CLPC
"Parenting OutSmarted"
smartmike59@gmail.com
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