QUESTION:
I have a 15-year old son in a split living situation---one week with Mom, one week with Me. I am trying to figure out what to do with him and technology. Video gaming has become an addiction. I am okay with 30 minutes a day if everything else is done. He does not follow anything that I lay out for him in terms of boundaries. Cellphone (smartphone) has become a huge issue, too. He is violating boundaries as well and manipulating by saying I don't trust him because at Mom's house, she lets him make his own decisions regarding technology. I have a digital contract we are to go through, but I am extremely frustrated as he continues to lose interest in other things. He does school and year round swimming well, but has lost interest in most things. Friends are a pretty good group. He sees his phone and video games as ways to stay connected with them. He continues to withdraw at home. I recognize he is playing me against Mom. His sisters and my new wife are very concerned. Definitely showing addiction.
ADVICE/SUGGESTIONS:
The overwhelming preoccupation/enslavement to screens and "what's a parent to do", may be the most prevalent issue that I encounter as a Parenting Coach. Here are some thoughts, more specific to your situation:
1. We are living in a day of the Milquetoast Dad. Are YOU one? You know--the kind of dad where a child does not "follow anything I lay out for him in terms of boundaries"? When I read that quotation above, I assumed that there may very well be a problem with parental authority.
2. He is "manipulating" you? By his saying " you don't trust me because at Mom's house, she lets him make my own decisions regarding technology"? Children of divorced parents play this game of Pit constantly---and sadly, nowadays it works more than ever. So does that ploy work on you? So again---are you a Milquetoast dad?
3. "Losing interest in other things" is of major concern. Where teens used to participate in and even perfect their lifelong hobbies and interests---the theater, archery, bowling, veterinarianism, martial arts, politics, sports, music, Indian history----they now instead are found upstairs in their bedroom with an electronic device, which has now become the most common activity of teens, according to research.
Suggested Responses:
First--Your situation is most likely in need of the services of a Parenting Coach. I, as well as many others on this site, am well qualified to deal with your issue. It may be worth the few hundred dollar expenditure.
Second--Ignore any "mom lets me and you don't" manipulation attempts. Your response to those endeavors should be something to the effect, " Son, I guess I'm meaner than your mom. Get used to it. In our home, we will have a peaceful, productive, interactive household, where all are contributing members." True authority provides secure boundaries for a child.
Third--When he says that you "don't trust him"--- ignore, or respond with " Exactly---I wouldn't trust myself as a 15-year old, either." Your son's exploitative attempts should not affect you in the least and should not prevent you from doing what is right.
Fourth--I referred to you as a possible "milquetoast" because he violates all your boundaries and contracts. Therefore, due to his violations, why does he still have use of a smart phone in your home? Or any electronic device, for that matter?
Fifth--Your son could become a doctor, a lawyer, a historian, a head coach at a college, a premier counselor/psychologist, a principal, a business leader, a karate instructor, a businessman, etc, etc. But instead of learning about and honing his skills/aptitudes in these areas and many others while in his teens, he will ALWAYS default to his addiction--unless you put a stop to it. Disregard what goes on at the other household. You can't control that.
Sixth--He wants to connect with his friends? Consistently invite his friends over to YOUR house. Connecting in-person is the best way to connect, anyway. Of course, it should be a screen-free situation. They should check the electronics at the door.
And remember--if you "put your foot down"--as you should--get ready for Screams of Horror that will rend th' affrighted Skies! Once you survive that, you will gradually discover that the boy you used to know will start making a reappearance--once he has escaped the "unreality" of the Gaming/Electronic world. Be a Long-term Parent--by doing what is right and surviving the short-term.
I want to add also that it is important during the intense teen years to be loving and affectionate with your son--during those times when the Iron is a little less Hot.
"Milquetoastness" always hurts immeasurably the ones you want to help the most.
I do understand that there are many nuances to your situation of which I am unaware. That is why I do recommend the hiring of a Parenting Coach.
Mike Smart, CLPC
"Parenting OutSmarted"
smartmike59@gmail.com
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