QUESTION:
I home school our 11-year-old daughter. She refuses to do
any work if she does not feel like it. I will send her to her room and she will
not go. I inform her that there will be a consequence if she does not, but it
does not matter. Yesterday, she started
throwing temper tantrums to get out of work. I told her she had a certain
amount of time for me to help her and then I had to attend to other matters.
She refused, so I went on with business. As the time approached for her dad to
return home, she demanded that I help her with her work. I told her I could
not. she got on her bicycle in a downpour and rode it to the park. She is not allowed to even go up and down our
street as there are no sidewalks. She uses her bike with supervision on trails.
Any suggestions?
ADVICE/SUGGESTION:
Hi! My first observation:
I first perceived your subject-verb-object phraseology used on several
occasions in your question: she refuses;
she will not go; she does not; she started throwing ; she refused; she
demanded, she got......What do all seven phrases have in common? Answer: She is the dictator, she "runs
the show", and she is the authority figure--at age 11!
Remember:
Obedient children are the happiest children. And happy children generate
relaxed parents. Old-fashioned obedience is the key here. But how can we can
knock Queen Sophia the Worst off her throne while we take away her scepter and
crown---before she rules the whole kingdom?
Here's a Golden Egg of Wisdom that should help: From now on, consequences need to be executed
consistently, using as few words as possible, because 11-year olds cannot
reason or understand reason like an adult; and henceforth, you should be doubly
sure that each consequence that you administer, DOES NOT FIT THE CRIME. On a
scale of 1-10, if her crime was only a 2, deliver a punishment of 7, e.g...If
you typically take her bike away for a week--make it 3 weeks; if you take away
her Iphone for a day, make it 14 days; If you don't allow her to go to her
friend's house on a Saturday--make it a
month of Saturdays. With each consequence--delivered in a calm, nonchalant
manner-- you need to inscribe a memory on her brain that she will never forget!
Then get ready! Because she has been allowed to rule over the
domain for so long, her natural rebelliousness will take on a life of its own,
trying to get you to crumble and cave. Stay the course and, in due time, you
will see the amazing fruits of your labor!
"Enabling" is a dirty word.."Tough Love" will never
be.
Feel free to email me for connection and clarification.
Mike Smart
Certified Leadership Parent Coach
smartmike59@gmail.com
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