QUESTION:
Where do we start? We
have 3 girls age 6, 5, and 4. They are
ALL out of control. Reading through the
Well Behaved Child I'm overwhelmed with all the methods. My husband and I have started practicing
"alpha speech", respond calmly,
etc. But, our kids are taking
that as license for a free for all.
Because the punishment isn't immediate they pretty much still ignore me
and go on to more and worse behavior throughout the day. Tonight we plan on stripping down the bedroom
and playroom. But, I'm afraid that will
just lead to them branching out into destroying all of MY things instead of
theirs. I feel like I'm out of
punishments. Like nothing I could take
away will cause that agony principle to take effect. Also because they share their bedroom it won't
be a punishment, they'll just play together. We already don't have a tv or
video games to take away. How do we "up the ante"? Or, Is this just
the "gets worse before it gets better" phase? I feel like my kids just think they're
getting away with everything because I'm not yelling or getting upset?
I do feel I have
garnered some wisdom in dealing with the ages of your girls, because for the
past three years, I have been extensively involved in the care-taking of four
children, currently ages 3-9--three of which are girls; plus being blessed with
three sisters and three daughters of my own. Your question seems to indicate
that you view this triangular trio of trouble as one overwhelming entity; which
is understandable, their being of the same gender and of stair step-proximity in
age. Let's treat it as such; until its
time to dole out punishment--then SEPARATION will be the key. And the less
complicated the better--for your sanity.
First, use the Ticket system as outlined in the
"Well-Behaved Child." As a GROUP give them 5-6 tickets each
day--blank index cards in a magnetized clip on the refrigerator. Then list 3-4
target misbehaviors on another index card
and post under a refrigerator magnet. Be specific! Examples you may
consider: 1.Tattling 2.
Disobedience 3. Arguing/Yelling 4. No physically hurting one another. When an offense is committed by ANY of the
three offenders, let it be known calmly, yet with authority, that you are
taking one of their Tickets. And follow the Referee's Rule(p52 in WBC). Just take the Ticket out of the clip, and put
it on the top of the refrigerator. After
the Tickets are depleted for that day, then it's time to implement the
consequences. In addition to their shared bedroom, you will need to find/create
two other "bedrooms" in your home where a child can lay their
head temporarily--as secluded from each
other as possible; where this is little traffic, and the entertainment value is somewhat minimal(a
bathroom, laundry room, etc.). Make sure the rooms can be used as a temporary
bedroom all night if need be..... Say to them, "Your tickets are gone, and
you have 45 seconds to be your assigned room(you can rotate the assignments of the rooms daily). They
will know that if they don't get there swiftly, time will be added to their
"room time". You can make the time any length you want--maybe 1-2
hours. That can even vary from person to
person, if one consistently appears to be more innocent/guilty than the others.
Another advantage for you: while they are in their penalty room, you will have
some peace and quiet necessary to consider executing any further memory-etching
consequences, e.g., no friends over,
sleeping in their assigned rooms for the night, doing extra chores, etc.
When each child is
separated from the other, lessons tend to be learned a bit quicker. And the
kids will start policing each others' behavior as well. Give it time--yes, it may get a tad worse
before it gets better, but if you stay the course, the three bears will soon be sharing the same
bedroom once again.
Obviously, there are a variety of scenarios that can occur
that cannot be covered adequately here; and you may have questions as well.
Feel free to contact me.
Mike Smart
Certified Leadership Parent Coach
smartmike59@gmail.com
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