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Question:
Hello, I'm confused about why in the second stage of
parenting, ages 10 to 13, it appears that if a child yells at their parents or
is disrespectful, there is an immediate consequence. For example, this kind of
thing could be on the strike chart, correct? However, while listening to the
teen proofing audiophile, John explains how his daughter Amy was back talking
and saying things like, "I'm not going to do the chores because I need a
day off" He then brings up how most parents at this point
would be saying things like, "you don't get to talk to me like that, it's
my house and blah blah blah." However, he doesn't engage, but tells her
they have good communication. Haha He doesn't give a consequence for the back
talk. So, am I misunderstanding how to deal with a younger child who acts in
this way, or am I supposed to give consequences for children between 3 and 13
for this type of behavior, but not for teenagers? And finally, if I don't give
consequences for my teenager for this type of thing, when do I? Like is
there ever a point where a teenagers back talk is too much and shouldn't be
ignored? And when is That?
I know this is a loaded question but I really am wanting to
know because I have children who fit into the 3 to 13 stage and the teenage
stage. And my daughter is a teenager and is rude and disrespectful a lot
unfortunately. It's really hard to know what to do with her....
Advice/ Suggestions:
Sass, backtalk, yelling, confrontation, etc., are definitely
legit misbehaviors that should not be tolerated--especially if they are on a
Target Misbehavior List as in Strikes, Tickets, e.g.... Consequences should be swift and memorable.
However, to avoid engaging in Hot-Moment
Argumentation(HMA)with your teenage daughter(as well as your younger ones),
Rosemond recommends(as do I) allowing your child to have the Last Word, so as
to avoid any lengthy, back-and-forth HMA. The parents always come out the loser
in any extensive HMA. Give the child the little victory of having the Last Word-- nod, agree with them that
life is tough, then walk away with a purpose, knowing full well you will win
the war because you are the Leader; actually, you both will win the war in the
long run. The happiest children are obedient children.
Now--what exactly is the Last Word? Understand that even in
the maturest of adults, responses in the heat-of-the moment are rarely our
wisest responses. Frequently they consist of words we wish we could take back.
Therefore, common sense tells us that a youngster/teenager will be unable to
control his/her tongue completely during a hot moment, when the parent is
saying "no" or levying some sort of memorable punishment. Some
allowance should be given for an "I hate you", or "I wish you
weren't my parent" or "you both are old and look like gnomes"
and such. But--you have to decide where the line crosses from a quick retort
during the HMA to blatant and lengthy disrespect. If your thirteen-year old
continues with her badgering, yelling, total disrespectation--another
consequence may need to be levied. But not right then. Just remove yourself by
walking away and then contrive another consequence later when things(and your
child) are calmer. Give her a minor additional punishment or warning at that
time, let her know where she crossed the
line with you during your last HMA, and then calmly drop the subject.
From then on, no more minor punishments when her tongue goes out-of-control.
Allowing the teen the Last Word to vent is one thing, but allowing total,
blatant disrespect is another. YOU have to decide where your line is.
Suggestion: Err on the side of least allowance.
And when it's time
for her high school graduation in a few years, I will give you permission to
throw a "going-away" party--the day AFTER she heads off to college.
Mike Smart CLPC
facebook.com/ParentingOutsmarted/
smartmike59@gmail.com
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