Parenting Question: Where Lego Ends, Tickets Begin

QUESTION:

We just started using the ticket system on our 6 year old son yesterday. Following is an example of this morning, which we're not quite sure how to handle. Our son is busy playing with his Lego and we are ready to have family devotions. We tell him to go sit on the couch, we are ready for devotions. He gets mad and doesn't want to. He gets a ticket taken away. Before devotions start mom realizes the baby has a dirty diaper that needs changing. Son goes back to play while mom is changing baby's diaper. Dad tells him as soon as mom comes back he must go right back to the couch. When mom comes back there's another fuss about going back to the couch. Does this mean another ticket gets taken away or is it all included with the first ticket?  After devotions he is told to go to his room and get dressed and he makes faces at Dad and generally lets us know he doesn't want to. Another ticket goes. Then in the bedroom he gets very rebellious about getting dresses... throws things, etc. Is this another ticket or all with the original one?  Is this is what you call micro managing discipline or how do we go about this?   

SUGGESTIONS/ADVICE:

There will be a point as you raise your six-year old using the ticket system, where you will learn exactly when to "ticket" him, and when not to. Having started the system just yesterday, there is no way you can have a "feel" yet for the Ticket system.  There all all kinds of scenarios that can occur that you won't always be able to anticipate. But first, TICKETS is not a  magical strategy. There are no magical strategies. But with the PROPER PRESENTATION of authority, TICKETS CAN work Magic. Most all strategies will work if you are willing to be a true Leader to your son. And, of course, you must demand obedience, because research shows that the happiest children are the obedient children.  Always be calm, poised, in control and nonchalant. Give him little attention when he resorts to attention-seeking behavior. Don't explain yourself or justify yourself to him. At this age, don't worry about micromanaging the situation. 

   While on occasion allowing some lenience for initial brief negative responses from your son to your requests may be justified, he is at the age where you need to "nip it in the bud"--the sooner the better.  I believe the scenario you presented definitely warrants more than one ticket lost.  It is very possible that he may lose all tickets in a short amount of time. But it time, he will learn that it is not worth it, but it may take a few weeks. It is imperative that your consequences are legit and memorable, with the goal of preventing the behavior from ever happening again(maybe two weeks of a  Lego fast?).  Remember:  (Hebrews 12:11) "For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."

(Another useful tip:  When a child is immersed in Lego--which is a fine toy, by the way--or some other creative, mind-occupying diversion, I usually give a 2-minute warning--thereby lessening the chance of an initial horrific, emotional, cataclysmic, ticket-shredding response.)

Mike Smart CLPC

smartmike59@gmail.com

Parenting Question: Step IN TIME

QUESTION:
I am a part of a step family. I am having trouble with my step children  accepting me. I feel like this is highly due to how their mother feels about me even though she wanted the divorce. She did not intend for her ex-husband (children’s father) to remarry. He married me, and she has been extremely bad to me and does not want her children to have anything to do with me or my children. She tells lies and acts very ugly. My husband doesn’t feel he can do anything to help because he feels stuck  trying to keep his children’s mother content and his children happy. How can I help?


SUGGESTION/ADVICE:
Important suggestion: If at all possible, sit down with the children's mother. Do so with poise, self control and civility. Hear her out, and be tactful and mannerly in your responses.  Tell her you came to her for advice on raising her children. And listen! She may have some good ideas.   Also,assure her that you will NEVER talk badly about her to her children. And that you will always be available to talk if she gets upset or has concerns about something.
      If that kind of meeting cannot occur for a variety of reasons, here are some things to keep in mind:
1.  You and your husband raise them as you see fit. You do what is best for the children , REGARDLESS of how the children feel or react to you. Never talk badly about their mother, and rarely, if ever, bring up how their mother is misrepresenting you. Assure them that you think highly of their mother, and sometimes people just have different perspectives. As difficult as it is , you need to completely ignore the "anti-Lindsey" chatter and the outside noise from both the mother and your stepchildren. Avoid defending yourself to the children.

2.     They also need to know that YOU and your husband are the authorities in the house, and that you both love them dearly.  If the two of you  lead in a  calm and controlled manner as you parent, things will IN TIME get back to normal. And the children will stop believing some of the negative babbling about you they may hear from their mom....But some TIME will need to pass before that happens.  Patience!

3.   Sit down with your husband. Tell him that your marriage is more important to you than the children. Tell him that it is not his job to make his children happy.  It is THEIR job to make themselves happy. Ignore their groaning and complaining, and guilt trips they try to put you on.  And most of all, it is most definitely NOT his job to keep his ex-wife content. He is divorced from her and married to YOU.

4.  Children are quite resilient and can adjust to two different households, if the two households cannot see eye-to-eye on things regarding parenting. And if that is the case, separation of the two homes is necessary.   You have your house rules and values, and their mother has her own.  The mom's house may be the fun house and the "popular" house to stay in at first, but so what? You do what is best for the children and your marriage--and NOT in that order. What if your step-children continue to not "accept you"? or not even like you?  So what?!--that will eventually change IN TIME. Patience!  It is not our job as parents to always be liked by our children or step children. Solid relationships with them will come IN TIME.

       There is a lot of missing information regarding your plight:  How old are the children? How long has this situation been going on?  How close in proximity are the two homes?  How often do you and your husband have the children in your home?  And, in general, how much do the two households intertwine?
May I recommend your hiring a Parenting Coach, like myself or any other Rosemond coach? It may very well be worth it in the long run.

Mike Smart, CLPC
smartmike59@gmail.com
937-925-6136