QUESTION:
I am a part of a step family. I am having trouble with my step children accepting me. I feel like this is highly due to how their mother feels about me even though she wanted the divorce. She did not intend for her ex-husband (children’s father) to remarry. He married me, and she has been extremely bad to me and does not want her children to have anything to do with me or my children. She tells lies and acts very ugly. My husband doesn’t feel he can do anything to help because he feels stuck trying to keep his children’s mother content and his children happy. How can I help?
SUGGESTION/ADVICE:
Important suggestion: If at all possible, sit down with the children's mother. Do so with poise, self control and civility. Hear her out, and be tactful and mannerly in your responses. Tell her you came to her for advice on raising her children. And listen! She may have some good ideas. Also,assure her that you will NEVER talk badly about her to her children. And that you will always be available to talk if she gets upset or has concerns about something.
If that kind of meeting cannot occur for a variety of reasons, here are some things to keep in mind:
1. You and your husband raise them as you see fit. You do what is best for the children , REGARDLESS of how the children feel or react to you. Never talk badly about their mother, and rarely, if ever, bring up how their mother is misrepresenting you. Assure them that you think highly of their mother, and sometimes people just have different perspectives. As difficult as it is , you need to completely ignore the "anti-Lindsey" chatter and the outside noise from both the mother and your stepchildren. Avoid defending yourself to the children.
2. They also need to know that YOU and your husband are the authorities in the house, and that you both love them dearly. If the two of you lead in a calm and controlled manner as you parent, things will IN TIME get back to normal. And the children will stop believing some of the negative babbling about you they may hear from their mom....But some TIME will need to pass before that happens. Patience!
3. Sit down with your husband. Tell him that your marriage is more important to you than the children. Tell him that it is not his job to make his children happy. It is THEIR job to make themselves happy. Ignore their groaning and complaining, and guilt trips they try to put you on. And most of all, it is most definitely NOT his job to keep his ex-wife content. He is divorced from her and married to YOU.
4. Children are quite resilient and can adjust to two different households, if the two households cannot see eye-to-eye on things regarding parenting. And if that is the case, separation of the two homes is necessary. You have your house rules and values, and their mother has her own. The mom's house may be the fun house and the "popular" house to stay in at first, but so what? You do what is best for the children and your marriage--and NOT in that order. What if your step-children continue to not "accept you"? or not even like you? So what?!--that will eventually change IN TIME. Patience! It is not our job as parents to always be liked by our children or step children. Solid relationships with them will come IN TIME.
There is a lot of missing information regarding your plight: How old are the children? How long has this situation been going on? How close in proximity are the two homes? How often do you and your husband have the children in your home? And, in general, how much do the two households intertwine?
May I recommend your hiring a Parenting Coach, like myself or any other Rosemond coach? It may very well be worth it in the long run.
Mike Smart, CLPC
smartmike59@gmail.com
937-925-6136
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