Question:
Our six and a half year old is not getting her responsibilities completed on school nights. She is in school all day and then goes to an after school program for a couple of hours (we both work). In the car on the way home, I remind her that her job when we get home is to empty her backpack, and then she can go play. Most of the time, we get home and she does not do this. She pets the dog, tells me about her day, etc. I remind her about her backpack, and she starts on it, then gets distracted again. We have started giving her a single warning, and after that, the consequence is that she goes to bed right after dinner. This rarely results in her getting her job done, and when we tell her she is going to bed right after dinner, she screams and cries (and often winds up being sent to her room until dinner). I wonder if some of this is exhaustion - all day school plus after care - and we need to find a different approach (such as giving her 10-15 minutes when she gets home to calm down and make the rounds before she takes care of her backpack). But I worry that maybe I am being too soft, and we need to stick with our original rule about getting this job done as soon as we get home. I'd love some guidance on the best way to handle this!
Advice/Suggestions:
Good question! One mistake loving parents make----I'm assuming you are one of those loving parents based on your deep concern for your child, and simply the fact that you have subscribed to this website----is to assume that their consequences are inappropriate because of the overwrought emotional reaction of their child. Then because of that reaction, they fear some sort of everlasting emotional harm will come upon their little one. Please-- set that notion aside, to be brought up nevermore.
One of the most loving things you can teach your young daughter is that your home will have firm boundaries; just like the family who puts up a fence around the backyard---a loving firm boundary designed to protect. And no amount of Fit-Pitching or Temper Tantrums will cause mom to change those loving firm boundaries. Many a greenhorn parent employs unwise short-term parenting consequences or a complete lack thereof, so as to assuage the fussing and tantrumming. Wiser, long-term parents are willing to put up with some crying and fussiness, so a teachable moment can be advantaged. Be a long-term parent, so you won't be dealing with selfish, childlike reactionary behaviors when your child is a preteen and beyond. End it now.
As it relates to your above question, no different approach is needed. You do not have to give her 10-15 minutes to "make the rounds," when she gets home from school. When she comes home, say hi and set the timer on the stove for 5 minutes. She will know that when that timer sounds, she is to have X,Y,& Z completed; then you will sit down, have a snack, and the two of you will talk about her day. Maybe you will want to set the timer for ten minutes, so she can feed the dog as well(or whatever) before snack-and-share time. A trial run might be necessary before you actually start--so she will know exactly what needs to be done right after school. and she will know how it is to be done. Your consequences that you have employed are fine. But remember, don't give up on the consequences just because they don't seem to be working. It may take a week or two or three of her spending a lot of time in her room and going to bed early. At some point she will then have learned that mom, not she, is truly the one in charge. And there is some security in your child knowing that. And then it will be time to put away your timer as well. Keep me updated, Lara!
Mike Smart, CLPC
"Parenting OutSmarted"
smartmike59@gmail.com
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