Deconstructing the Monster: the 3D's at age 10

 

Question:

We are ready to reset with our 10-year-old son so that he understands we mean what we say and even more, understands consequences. How do we do that in a way that will work (sort of feeling like it's too late and we've created the monster by not sticking to stuff or allowing bad behavior). We're ready for drastic but is it too late?

Advice/Suggestions:

Let out a big "whew"--cuz it ain't too late!  Although the earlier you address his bad behavior, the easier. I heartily recommend a focused perusal of John Rosemond's book, "The Well-Behaved Child"; particularly the chapters concerning the strategy of Strikes and Target Misbehaviors. Particular strategies and consequences can be effective for a time, but most ANY strategy will work once the child sees the parent displaying consistent effective leadership. Does your child obey you? Or do you obey your child?

Here's a typical scenario:  The child takes on a 3D posture toward the parent(one of Disobedience, Defiance, or Disrespect--or any combination thereof); an engagement ensues; a war of words escalates; angers rise, the parent yells, threatens, etc. At this point, the parent has already lost the battle. Once the child has caused a family disruption, and has also caused the parent to react emotionally to his negative attention-getting behaviors, any opportunity to establishing proper leadership on the parent's part is gone. 

You said you are "ready for drastic." Are you really? If so, then from now on, when your son displays any of the 3D's. you give him a Strike(see "Well-Behaved Child"). On the third strike that day, give him a punishment that doesn't fit the crime--go a degree beyond. 

 Instead of one day without electronics and TV, make it a week. Instead of going to bed early for 3 days, make it 10 days, etc....In other words, make sure the punishment creates a Memorable Impression upon your son; so much so, that he will not want to exhibit that behavior again. 

You and your husband need to have a sit-down(or a Team Meeting, as I call it) with your son. Explain to him what the 3 D's are, and give some examples, then let him know that any 3D behaviors beyond the two strikes may result in some extreme punishment, and even give him some examples of what might happen. Then be prepared to implement, without caving, because he will test you soon. Always follow through--i.e. "say what you mean, and mean what you say.."  Behaviors he is used to getting away with will naturally continue to appear, at first-- so be ready. Cataclysmic tantrums and whining may occur--which means you are probably doing the right thing. Do understand that improvement may not be seen for two weeks or more.  

Mike Smart, CLPC

"Parenting OutSmarted"

smartmike59@gmail.com