Troubled Teen/Perplexed Parents

QUESTIONS:

We have a problem dealing with our 15-year old son's violent behavior when we take his phone or he gets grounded.  He has been caught taking his older brother's car late at night (without even a learner's permit) to drive around or to buy a vape.  He is also disrespectful in the way he speaks to his dad and me.  His grades have plummeted to where he is on academic probation at his private Christian school.   We have considered sending our son to Camden Military (where my husband finished his schooling due to his going off the wrong track), however our son is adamant about not going. We have brought him to a psychologist where they would help him with medicine and behavior modification; however; my son refuses medicine or to even talk to a counselor.  What do you suggest? 

ADVICE/SUGGESTIONS:

You mentioned several issues with your 15-year old son---ranging from disrespect to enrolling in military schools to taking behavior modification meds. Because of your various and sundry concerns, may I recommend hiring a Parenting Coach from this website--whether it be me or another qualified peer? I have dealt with teenage difficulties and complications for much of my life, so I will go ahead and share some general principles. Anything more will require your connecting with a Parenting Coach.

1. I believe it takes a "man to teach a boy to be a man."  For the most part, his father should take over the reins of mentoring, discipling,  and disciplining your teen. And you should gladly hand those reins to him forthwith. 

2. Your son "refuses", and "is adamant" against---why does his reaction prevent you from doing what is best for him? It appears that he refuses to obey you, yet you feel the need to obey him!?? Wussified parenting creates unruly children. 

3.  I get the impression he still has an iPhone.  When he becomes violent and irritable when it is taken away, could that possibly indicate that he is addicted to the device? If addiction appears to be the case, why do you give it back to him? Keep it for a month or more. He doesn't "need" it.  Many parents are finally wising up to the fact that an iPhone is NOT essential for raising a quality adult-to-be.

4. In general, I do not recommend behavior modification or meds from a psychologist. 

5. Do not be afraid to contact the police or sheriff when he steals his brother's car or another heinous act---we did that with one of our children.  The officer came to our house--and it scared our daughter straight.

6. Troubled Teen Boarding Schools or Teen Residential Treatment Centers---I have heard both positives and negatives regarding this option. Do your research.

7. And most of all--be strong parents. Lead with Authority and Love. Dad needs to run the show--not the child. The feelings and reactions of a child should not matter one twit about the parent doing what is best for said child. 

8. The three of you should sit down and make a list of Privileges and Responsibilities for your son. Examples of Privileges:  use of car(age 16), later curfew, use of iPhone, hanging with friends,  etc.... Examples of Responsibilities:  A's and B's, household chore completion, no violent outbursts, obedience, etc.....

       This is just a cursory, general response to your above question. I would need to know more to respond more specifically.