When Your Teen Cancels God

Question:

Our 15 year old (High IQ) grandson recently informed his mother (our daughter) that he does not believe in God. This has devastated her and us.She is divorced from his father and they have 50/50 custody on a week by week basis. He reluctantly attends church services when with his mother but we don't think his father attends services anymore.

Any advice ?

Advice/Suggestions:

 As unsettling and mortifying as your grandson's revelation is, there are some silver linings to this black cloud. 

FIRST: his questioning followed by his rejection of God is hardly a unique thing. I daresay almost everyone has questioned and doubted God's existence at some point in his life. And a majority of those don't verbalize it. Be glad he did.  

SECOND: He's 15. Most of the distress I hear from parents regarding their child's spurning of his faith, occurs when the child is no longer a child. He has moved out, gone to college, flirted with the outside  world, etc--all of which contributed to his developing a new secular worldview. And sadly, these distressed parents have very little influence and daily contact with this child anymore. Conversely--what a soft spot to land your grandson has now, still living at home! So many more opportunities for discourse, influence, spiritual shaping, and love are to be had, 

THIRD: He's 15(ok, I guess I used that one already).  Although he is extremely intelligent, his brain is still immature, and won't be fully developed for another ten years! Especially until he matures and even beyond, his spiritual worldview will go through multifarious stages of fluidity. Trust me. 

So what should your daughter do?  1. Don't overreact and calamitize. Acting as if the sky is falling and indirectly warning him that he is hell-bound and such will NOT help. 2. Keep lines of communication open. What a great age to have deep discussions with her son! Initially and for some time, she will have to be patient and primarily be a listener. 3. Both you and your daughter should become knowledgeable about your faith and be able to defend it and prove it to your son if the occasion arises.  4.  There is nothing your daughter can do about the fifty percent of the time she does not have her son. She can only control the time she has custody of him. She should continue as per usual, attending church and bringing her son with her. 5. Pray incessantly for her son. The World's sway is too powerful not to. 6. Find him a godly male church mentor with whom her son can connect.

A resource that I recommend for your grandson(assuming your faith is biblical Christianity) is a paperback version called "The Case for Christ"-youth edition.

Keep me updated.

Mike Smart, CLPC

"Parenting OutSmarted"

smartmike59@gmail.com

  

It's Payback Time: A Nine-Year Old's Transgression

 

Question:

Ok, my son and wife gave their 9 year old daughter use of an old iPad to play games.  My son thought his credit info was disabled and he warned her never to buy ANYTHING. However, he has discovered she was able and DID buy $1,400 worth of Itunes.

Thoughts?  Discipline? (I already don't agree with letting a 9 year old have access...but...)

Thanks

Advice/Suggestions:

To your son and his wife:

    Get rid of the iPAD until she "pays you back"... Put her on Lockdown(no screens, no friends, early bedtime, etc) until all $1400 have been paid back. How does she pay you back? Make a chart, listing the following( make up your own jobs/duties and dollar amounts. Some of these you may want to require her to do. Put at least a dozen options on the list):

Write or type a letter to Grandma Gertrude=$80; Help dad paint the fence out back=$90; Play outside for two hours straight=$30; Do the dishes after a meal=$25; Play a board game with sibling=$25; Weed garden=$55; Help mom do volunteer work at church=$80; Help prepare the evening meal=$70; Clean toilets=$60; bake and bring cookies to the elderly neighbor next door=$45; Dust the house=$35; vacuum the floors=$45; wash the car with dad=$60. These are just samples. Be creative. Notice some of these may actually be somewhat  fun for your daughter, but they contribute to a larger purpose you may have for her, like learning to love the outdoors, or appreciate the joy of playing a board game with a family member, etc. Maybe some good habits will be created. 

 Once she has "earned $1400", you can cancel the Lockdown.  You don't have to give her the full listed dollar amount if a particular duty is not completed well. Lower the amount, or give her zero dollars until the job is done to your high standard.  Of course, this is just one option that you may use as a consequence. But it is an effective one.  And whatever consequence you do use, your child needs to shoulder the burden(not you) and feel some emotional pain. 

Keep me updated on how it goes!

Mike Smart, CLPC

"Parenting OutSmarted"

smartmike59@gmail.com

On-Fleek Slang a bit too Woke for Momma

 QUESTIONS:

I have a 14 year old boy that talks nonsense incessantly. He is a good-natured kid, and I don’t think he speaks out of malice. He picks on his sister and me almost constantly. For example, I will say something..it could be anything.and he will reply, “Liar!” And then tell me I just got “epic owned.” He told me that he means no harm, and I do believe him. He and his friends banter that way. Only, I am not his friend; I am his mother. It gets wearisome, and borders at times on disrespect. I am a home educator. I am wondering if our being together most of the time has created a case of familiarity breeding contempt. Or is this natural to living with a teenaged boy? Should I just let it go as something that will pass with maturity? 

ADVICE/SUGGESTIONS:

Let me answer your last question first: NO.....Using slang phrases directed toward a parent such as "epic owned", "liar", "dude" "freak", etc., is a way to disrespect and tear down the authority of a parent. As a teacher and coach of teens , as well as a parent, for most of my life, I was able to connect well with that age group, and truly enjoyed that quirky stage of life. But I never accepted a student going too slang on me and calling me "dude" and the like. You need to tell your son that he and his "posse" can be as "slang woke" as they wanna be--with each other, but not you. 

There is some truth in the idea that "familiarity breeds contempt" but that really has no bearing as to whether you should accept his behavior as only a stage of immaturity. It is disrespectful. Feel free to "cancel that culture." 

Contact me if you need follow-up.

Mike Smart, CLPC

"Parenting OutSmarted"

937-925-6136

smartmike59@gmail.com

Setting Self Aside--A Teen's Family Obligation

QUESTION:

My husband works out of town every other week. He is out of town for the Easter holiday. He does not have a relationship with my older son, who is living at home during this college semester. He has a strained relationship with my seventeen year old son. He has asked my youngest son and I to drive five hours and visit him for the weekend holiday.  My son does not want to go. How do I parent this situation?

ADVICE/SUGGESTIONS:

It looks like none of the parenting coaches picked up your question in time for the full holiday weekend. I'm sorry about that. Therefore, my response is coming too late.  But for future use, and for others viewing this, here goes: 

     The adjective "youngEST" that you used indicates there is a third son. Is there a third son? "YoungER" would be the comparative, indictating that there are just two sons; Am I to infer that you have three or more sons-or only two sons--the 17-year old being the younger? I'm going to assume that the 17-year old is the son that "does not want to go"; and that you  have the just the two boys. The age of the child can be a factor.

       Receiving input from an older teen is wise--so feel free to truly hear him out; however, the final say is up to YOU. Your final decision should be based on what's best for the Family--any positive or negative emotional reactions on his part should have no bearing on your decision. Without knowing any of the details or the family dynamics, I would recommend that you and your son make the trip . Teaching that Family Obligations supercedes Personal Desires and Feelings is a lesson that needs to be taught our children.  Sacrificing what one want's or doesn't want to do is essential obligation for a healthy Family. Concern and caring for other family members over one's own desires is a lesson that must be learned, but is rarely even taught nowadays. This is a great opportunity to teach your son this precept. Your husband reached out to you and your son. Regardless of the husband's motivation, my initial response is for you two to make the five-hour trip. Avoiding conflict by avoiding contact and communication leads to short-term comfort, but long-term pain. It is good for him to go see his dad. There really is no other option when it comes to the Family. Relay that to your son as you pack your car.

Mike Smart, CLPC

"Parenting OutSmarted"

smartmike59@gmail.com

Meltdowns, Scratches, and Wrestling Matches: Dealing With the Brothers 3

QUESTION: 

Over the past year, we have spent more time together as a family at home. While some of this has been good, we have also seen conflict between our oldest boys, ages 4 and 6, increase.  Sometimes conflict is caused by the youngest boy, age 2, destroying a fort or a Lego creation. 

We have worked to let them solve problems by themselves, but this generally leads to a meltdown by one child, a verbal insult leading to hurt feelings, or a child getting physically hurt (like scratches and punches).  We know these conflicts are two sided, but are finding these conflicts harder to ignore.  In theory, we want to let the boys solve conflict on their own.  In reality, leaving them to themselves seems to lead to more chaos.  

We would love any suggestions on managing sibling conflict.  

ADVICE/SUGGESTIONS:

Do understand something: chaos ensues when there is a household involving three boys within two years of each other. It will be impossible for the parents to prevent the boys from getting hurt emotionally, and physically. And that's ok. Lighthearted wrestling matches will invariably happen, almost always ending with someone getting hurt. And that's ok, too. Allowance for some chaos is a great thing for boys. But let's at least organize the chaos a bit.      

Here is one strategy that has been successful in dealing with brotherly combat, with the aim being to help your boys learn conflict resolution. This is a takeoff from a John Rosemond strategy.    

First, post an index card on the refrigerator with these three sibling conflict rules and explain them to your children:

1. Don't disturb other family members with your conflicts. Keep them to yourselves.

2. NEVER ever get physical with one other. 

3. Do not complain/tattle to Mom or Dad about each other.  

And as far as you are concerned, Mom, try to avoid being the judge or referee in all conflicts between siblings. Let them figure it out. I do understand that there are occasions when things get extreme; or maybe ridiculously one-sided. But make your interventions rare. 

Second, create a Peace-Keeping Place.  Whenever there is a violation of any of the three sibling conflict rules, each child will want to rush to you and explain his/her side of the story, so each offender can claim Victimhood.  Do not listen, and instead send them to a Peace-Keeping Place. Just calmly say "we can discuss this later" and walk away, as they head to their special place.  This Peace-Keeping Place should be a small utility closet or laundry room, etc., devoid of any items that could cause physically harm if used improperly. Anything of entertainment value should be removed as well. A mostly barren room is a good PKP. Have them set an alarm clock for 10-30 minutes--or whatever amount you think is appropriate. During this time, they need to resolve the conflict. They must stay in the room until the alarm sounds, regardless of whether they have resolved the issue or not. If they still have not resolved the issue(which is highly unlikely) add another ten  minutes or so.  When their time is up, you could possibly assign 1 or more of them  an extra chore or an additional consequence as well, depending upon the level of offense--be creative.  Maybe have each write an apology letter to the other. Or have them all do the dishes together and sweep the floor, etc--which might prove interesting; yet very beneficial for you in the long run. Or maybe no additional consequence is needed.

A few addenda: You can even put just 1 or 2 in the PKP, depending on the situation. Also, If you sense one of the children is more guilty than the other(s), maybe a longer sentence for that individual alone in the PKP would work.  Also, if one of them leave the PKP to go to the restroom, get a drink, etc., the clock stops and doesn't resume until he is back in the room. In addition,  when they are initially told to go to the PKP, kids like to be a bit defiant, and dilly-dally. Give them 60 seconds to get to the room. If they don't get there in time, you can add a few minutes to their sentence. But always remain relaxed and calm; and make a vow to yourself to no longer micromanage conflicts.     

Additional option: Tell the boys that certain rooms in the house are rooms of quiet. Wrestling, loud talking or screen noises,etc., are not allowed in those designated Rooms of Quiet. This is designed to help you keep your sanity!   

Another option: THE GREAT OUTDOORS..... If your backyard allows the boys to go outdoors, throw the boys outside and lock the door behind them!(make sure they hit the lavatory first-ha!)...There is a lot more room to play outside, typically, as compared to inside. Early on they may try to come back in for this reason or that. Ignore and let them go enjoy the Great Outdoors! Call it a Nature Playdate. Weather should not matter unless there is thunder and lightning. Great way to wear down boys and let them be creative and burn off energy. An hour or two is not too long. Best of all, you get some peace!

When these ideas/strategies are employed and modified to fit your household, they work well. But these are strategies, designed to work for different stages in your boys' lives. The key is YOU: Do you respond to their nagging and complaining and tantrums? Do you cave because you are worried about their self-esteem? Are you constantly fretting about crushing their spirit? Or are you a firm, loving parent with solid boundaries for you children?

Prayer is another good resource, by the way :)

For further details regarding sibling conflict strategies, see the "Well-Behaved Child" by John Rosemond, or contact me at 

Mike Smart, CLPC

"Parenting OutSmarted"

smartmike59@gmail.com

Creating a Gratitude Attitude

Photo by Alex Green from Pexels

 QUESTION:

My son is generally a good eater and has got out of bad behavior when it comes to the food he is given because he doesn’t have to eat if he doesn’t want to, but he is not allowed to give his opinion (if negative), but he knows he will not be allowed to eat anything else until he has eaten the prepared meal. 

However, the manners are still lacking when it comes to thanking me for cooking and I have to remind him to thank me. We do not eat out regularly but I would like this habit instilled so that when we do, he can thank the person who cooked if we are at somebody’s home or waitress at the restaurant without being prompted. 

I am a single parent so I don’t have another adult to role play with or set an example with as easily. 

ADVICE/SUGGESTIONS:

I LOVE the emphasis on manners that you are keen on establishing in your home. That's an emphasis that has gradually waned in most homes that last several decades. You also seem right on target as far as guidelines for your son  eating the prepared meal. 

    You are right: at some point, your son should be able to learn to say " thank you" to you for cooking and preparing the food for his meals WITHOUT having to be prompted. My guess is that you have to remind him most every meal. There are several ways to tackle this--here's one: Have a few of his favorite desserts on hand and tell your son that you will have dessert after each evening meal this week--but towards the end of each meal, he must thank you for preparing and cooking the food that day. When dessert is served, serve yourself first, and if he hasn't thanked you yet, then sit down and eat. At that point it is too late for his thank you, even if he realizes his omission and chirps a quick "thank you."  Just say to him with a relaxed smile, "Sorry, Son, too late--let's try again tomorrow. I'm sure you will remember to be thankful then. Boy, this Cookies N Cream ice cream is tasty! "

 There are several other strategies that may be equally effective, but the point is this: Whatever strategy you use, It's gotta hurt a bit. Nagging and prompting and reminding doesn't "hurt" at all.  One other thing to remember: Make sure as you interact with your son and with other friends and strangers that YOU set the example and model good manners as well. He will definitely notice, eventually. Role-modeling good verbal manners is probably the most effective tool, anyway.  

Mike Smart, CLPC

"Parenting OutSmarted"

smartmike59@gmail.com

Eight-year old Eccentricities

 

Image by Susanne Westpahl from Pixabay

QUESTION:

My 8 year old daughter periodically does strange and destructive things (for example she has chewed on her dresser, etched her initials into her bathroom faucet, drew on the wall). I’ve always chalked it up to boredom or curiosity and disciplined as it happened. We just found out she has been pooping in the shower. She said it was because she had to go badly and didn’t want to get out wet and go to the toilet. She has no bowel or medical issues, and she owned up to it when confronted. She is otherwise pleasant and non-defiant. She’s been diagnosed with anxiety and ADHD, but we do not medicate and she does not have behavior problems at school. It almost seems like she doesn’t think through things like this and why she shouldn’t do them. I have no idea how to address this or discipline her for this other than to make her clean the bathtub herself. Please help!

ADVICE/SUGGESTIONS:

One thing is for sure: at some point in his/her young life, every child will lay claim to some behavioral peculiarities. The vast majority of these oddities should be no cause for concern for parents because the child outgrows these singular traits over time. The best practice would be to ignore much of those minor quirks.  But when it involves property or personal destruction---you cannot ignore those things. 

      When I  hear of a young child with anxiety issues, I immediately look at the parent. So my question to you is: Do YOU calamitize and overdramatize small issues? Do YOU become overly concerned and anxious yourself about things of somewhat lesser import? Or do you model a calm, poised, content demeanor? Your daughter's behaviors may continue if you make a big deal out of them. So next time your daughter chews on a piece of furniture or does her business again in the shower----without any detailed explanations or discussion, and in as few a words as possible, tell her to clean up her mess, and to come see you when she is done. Then walk away. Then when she comes to see you, levy a punishment that she won't soon forget. It must be a memorable one that causes her to NOT repeat the offense. Then refrain from discussing it  anymore.  Memorable offenses could include loss of screen privileges for 3 weeks; early bedtime for two or three weeks; not being with friends for two weeks, etc..........

       The fact that she is typically "pleasant and non-defiant" with no behavior problems at school should be comforting to you. Those things are bigger issues than her periodic behavioral quirks. This makes me think that you have nothing to worry about; that she will grow out of this stage sooner rather than later. It also makes me believe that her anxiety and ADHD diagnoses are of minimal concern--as long as YOU forgo modeling overly-distressed behaviors. Kudos for not medicating her, by the way.

Keep me updated.

Mike Smart, CLPC

"Parenting OutSmarted"

smartmike59@gmail.com