Out of Sorts with Sports--the Angst of a 7-year Old

 

Question:

Our seven year old son wanted to sign up for soccer this season. He played soccer once a few years ago but hasn’t played organized sports in a few years. So far, he has yet to go to a practice or a game. When he arrives, he freaks out, stays in the car, cries, and even hides. I think he’s incredibly nervous for some reason, and we can’t seem to talk him out of it. He’s generally an outgoing kid though he tends to be a little nervous in new situations.  When he’s not at a practice or game, he’s really excited and tells people he’s playing soccer.  He seems to genuinely want to play until he is actually at a game or practice, and then he’s just overcome with fear. I think he will love playing once he actually gets out there and gets over the hump, and we want to encourage him without making it a battle. Do you have any thoughts about helping him  feel brave enough to play? Thanks  

Advice/Suggestions:

Organized sports definitely have their place in our society--from one who has been involved in them my whole life; although the younger the child, the less valuable the impact and value of organized sports. However, there is no question in my mind that the best success stories in sports AND in life begin with an uncomfortable breakthrough opportunity; that momentous time when it is much easier to quit, and must riskier to put oneself "out there."  Choosing the risk, breaking through, and then following through can bring immeasurable satisfaction and self-confidence in a child. Kids will rarely risk feeling uncomfortable for the greater future good of which they cannot see.  And typically--without parental encouragement---the child will choose the passive,safer, less rewarding route.  Some considerations/options that may get Little Mister 7 to "go for it" at some point:

1. If he doesn't want to participate in the next practice---without any pleading on your part-- just have him sit with you in the bleachers and watch practice . You can bring a book to read and so can he--no electronics or screens. Don't allow him to go back to the car and sit.  Once or twice during practice, merely suggest that he participate.  

 2. Maybe he's not old enough to quite handle this yet. Maybe try again next season. There is a wide variety of emotional maturity at that age. Organized sports at a young age isn't for everyone. Instead, have a "soccer day" playdate or two at home or at a nearby park with siblings and friends his age, where they must have some "backyard soccer" and then have snacks during "halftime." 

 3. In many cases, this is just a phase that he will soon outgrow.  

4. Have someone else take him to practice. Sometimes, not having that "motherly security blanket" nearby will cause Junior to take a risk. 

5. Have a brief conversation with the coach of the team. Get his ideas on how to get your son to participate. Many coaches can be creative motivators and can convince hesitant participants to involve themselves in the activity. 

6. Tell him you're done carting him to practice and games if he chooses not to participate. Tell him that he can go to the practice/game AND fully participate--- or he can  stay home; and that you  will  have  a "fulfilling" activity for him in which to engage in place of soccer; maybe help mom with dinner or dust the house, etc.. If he says he will participate and wants to go to soccer--but changes his mind once you have gotten to the field, then there would need to be the implementation of a consequence/punishment. 

                                                                                                                    Good luck!

Mike Smart, CLPC

"Parenting OutSmarted"

smartmike59@gmail.com

Deconstructing the Monster: the 3D's at age 10

 

Question:

We are ready to reset with our 10-year-old son so that he understands we mean what we say and even more, understands consequences. How do we do that in a way that will work (sort of feeling like it's too late and we've created the monster by not sticking to stuff or allowing bad behavior). We're ready for drastic but is it too late?

Advice/Suggestions:

Let out a big "whew"--cuz it ain't too late!  Although the earlier you address his bad behavior, the easier. I heartily recommend a focused perusal of John Rosemond's book, "The Well-Behaved Child"; particularly the chapters concerning the strategy of Strikes and Target Misbehaviors. Particular strategies and consequences can be effective for a time, but most ANY strategy will work once the child sees the parent displaying consistent effective leadership. Does your child obey you? Or do you obey your child?

Here's a typical scenario:  The child takes on a 3D posture toward the parent(one of Disobedience, Defiance, or Disrespect--or any combination thereof); an engagement ensues; a war of words escalates; angers rise, the parent yells, threatens, etc. At this point, the parent has already lost the battle. Once the child has caused a family disruption, and has also caused the parent to react emotionally to his negative attention-getting behaviors, any opportunity to establishing proper leadership on the parent's part is gone. 

You said you are "ready for drastic." Are you really? If so, then from now on, when your son displays any of the 3D's. you give him a Strike(see "Well-Behaved Child"). On the third strike that day, give him a punishment that doesn't fit the crime--go a degree beyond. 

 Instead of one day without electronics and TV, make it a week. Instead of going to bed early for 3 days, make it 10 days, etc....In other words, make sure the punishment creates a Memorable Impression upon your son; so much so, that he will not want to exhibit that behavior again. 

You and your husband need to have a sit-down(or a Team Meeting, as I call it) with your son. Explain to him what the 3 D's are, and give some examples, then let him know that any 3D behaviors beyond the two strikes may result in some extreme punishment, and even give him some examples of what might happen. Then be prepared to implement, without caving, because he will test you soon. Always follow through--i.e. "say what you mean, and mean what you say.."  Behaviors he is used to getting away with will naturally continue to appear, at first-- so be ready. Cataclysmic tantrums and whining may occur--which means you are probably doing the right thing. Do understand that improvement may not be seen for two weeks or more.  

Mike Smart, CLPC

"Parenting OutSmarted"

smartmike59@gmail.com

6-Year Old Fit-Pitching: Stay Strong, Mom!

 

Question:

Our six and a half year old is not getting her responsibilities completed on school nights. She is in school all day and then goes to an after school program for a couple of hours (we both work). In the car on the way home, I remind her that her job when we get home is to empty her backpack, and then she can go play. Most of the time, we get home and she does not do this. She pets the dog, tells me about her day, etc. I remind her about her backpack, and she starts on it, then gets distracted again. We have started giving her a single warning, and after that, the consequence is that she goes to bed right after dinner. This rarely results in her getting her job done, and when we tell her she is going to bed right after dinner, she screams and cries (and often winds up being sent to her room until dinner).  I wonder if some of this is exhaustion - all day school plus after care - and we need to find a different approach (such as giving her 10-15 minutes when she gets home to calm down and make the rounds before she takes care of her backpack). But I worry that maybe I am being too soft, and we need to stick with our original rule about getting this job done as soon as we get home. I'd love some guidance on the best way to handle this!

Advice/Suggestions:

Good question! One mistake loving parents make----I'm assuming you are one of those loving parents based on your deep concern for your child, and simply the fact that you have subscribed to this website----is to assume that their consequences are inappropriate because of the overwrought emotional reaction of their child. Then because of that reaction, they fear some sort of everlasting emotional harm will come upon  their little one. Please-- set that notion aside, to be brought up nevermore.

One of the most loving things you can teach your young daughter is that your home will have firm boundaries; just like the family who puts up a fence around the backyard---a loving firm boundary designed to protect. And no amount of Fit-Pitching or Temper Tantrums will cause mom to change those loving firm boundaries. Many a greenhorn parent employs unwise short-term parenting consequences or a complete lack thereof, so as to assuage the fussing and tantrumming. Wiser, long-term parents are willing to put up with some crying and fussiness, so a teachable moment can be advantaged. Be a long-term parent, so you won't be dealing with selfish, childlike reactionary behaviors when your child is a preteen and beyond. End it now. 

As it relates to your above question, no different approach is needed. You do not have to give her 10-15 minutes to "make the rounds," when she gets home from school.  When she comes home, say hi and set the timer on the stove for 5 minutes. She will know that when that timer sounds, she is to have X,Y,& Z completed; then you will sit down, have a snack, and the two of you will talk about her day. Maybe you will want to set the timer for ten minutes, so she can feed the dog as well(or whatever) before snack-and-share time. A trial run might be necessary before you actually start--so she will know exactly what needs to be done right after school. and she will know how it is to be done. Your consequences that you have employed are fine. But remember, don't give up on the consequences just because they don't seem to be working. It may take a week or two or three of her spending a lot of time in  her room and going to bed early. At some point she will then have learned that mom, not she, is truly the one in charge.  And there is some security in your child knowing that. And then it will be time to put away your timer as well. Keep me updated, Lara!

Mike Smart, CLPC

"Parenting OutSmarted"

smartmike59@gmail.com

If I Could Save Time in a Battle-----When Siblings Collide

Question:

 When I put my children in the conference room for sibling conflict, what do you do if all they do is yell and fight while in there? Currently I just add more time when they start fighting. Sometimes it helps-- other times it does not.

Advice/Suggestions:

  Some additional information would be helpful, such as: How long have you been using the conference room (preferably, the "Peace Making Place") for sibling conflict?  What are the ages of your children and/or what is the age gap? Is one of the siblings  typically the instigator/perpetrator? Are there two siblings involved, or more than two?  Do they fight physically, and is the room safe from any "weapons"? Where is the Peace Making Place located in the house? How do you know that they "yell and fight?" The answer to these questions would allow me to fine-tune my answer. Feel free to provide this information, if you want to post about this topic again.  However, I will provide some general guidelines that may help answer your question, based on the particulars given. 

     As long as we don't have a "gingham dog /calico cat" situation happening(where the conflict becomes physical), I would stay the course. These things take time.  I would use a timing device (maybe an alarm clock, or timer on your phone, etc.) and set the number of minutes they are to stay in the PMP(Peace Making Place), based on the degree of their misbehavior. Once they are in the PMP, and the door is shut, remove yourself from hearing distance, especially if the yelling/fighting is bothersome to you. It is good for them to "figure it out", without your intervention, if at all possible.  Feel free to add minutes for any variety of reasons.  Allow them to come out when the alarm goes off, and ask them if they have worked out their conflicts. If things are resolved, have them give each other a hug, and they are free to go. If they haven't rectified the situation, they go back into the PMP for ten additional minutes or more. But trust me, they WILL work it out  They will NOT want to go back in there. Be sure the amount of time required in the PMP is long enough to produce a lasting memory for your children. Employ this technique throughout with an air of nonchalance and unemotional poise---yet with resolve and firmness.  If you have any further questions or concerns, feel free to contact me.

Mike Smart, CLPC

"Parenting OutSmarted"

smartmike59@gmail.com

    

 

I am Woman, Hear Me Roar---Even Though I'm Only 4!

Photo by Alexander Dummer from Pexels

QUESTION:

I am at my wits end. I am doing my best to do the ticket system with my children. My 4 year old daughter has maybe made it 1 day, at least until bedtime, without losing all of her tickets since we started about 3 weeks ago I believe. My issue is bedtime, she makes bedtime as difficult as humanly possible, she makes a million requests and asks a million questions and if at any time you draw a line she loses her ever loving mind. Absolutely no amount of preparing her that if she acts in a certain way she will lose xyz makes a bit of difference. She will NOT stay in her bedroom on her own no matter what so as advised there is a lock on the door, her bedroom is empty and her bed is on the floor. However, if her door is locked in order to contain her she will simple stand and bang on the door as hard as her little arms and legs can over and over and over. Our house is not large and it is very LOUD and enough to make any human being mental. HOW can I make this stop? I don’t feel like her behavior has improved in the slightest and really the only thing we’ve gotten out of it is the peace of her being confined to her room when she is not banging on the door. Other then making her stay in her room the entire next day I’m out of options of things to take away from her. 

ADVICE/ SUGGESTIONS:

I've noticed you've availed yourself of a variety of viewpoints on this website. I think you may be to the point that you might want to invest a few hundred dollars by hiring a Parenting Coach--since dealing with your daughter's issues has been a source of some ongoing turmoil. At times it is difficult to communicate solely through this website; there are too many nuances involved in familial relationships--that can only be truly understood through a more personal interaction. That being said, here are some thoughts based on the information you have revealed:

1. Finding the best parenting technique or strategy is NOT a priority in your situation.

2. Your response to her misbehavior IS a top priority.

3. Feel good that she is only four. If she were fourteen, solutions become much more difficult to find. This too shall pass.

4. Keep things simple.

5. Patience--this may not be solved quickly.

6. Show extra love and tenderness toward your daughter when the "iron is cold"; times when things are calm(bedtime is a good time for close moments). This kind of 1 on 1 time is immensely valuable.

Suggestion:  Your daughter needs to see that her misbehavior does not affect you in any way. You may be feeling turmoil inside, but don't let that show. Even when she "loses her everloving mind", you will always present yourself as calm, poised, content, and resolute. If she goes 3-D on you(Defiance, Disrespect, or Disobedience), give her consequences in a  matter-of-fact manner, verbalizing the offense in as few a words as possible, and move on. She will be loud and throw tantrums initially, but don't cave. Pretend you can't her hear while she is confined to her room, having a conniption fit. Buy some legit headphones, and crank up the music!  After several days of spending much of each day in her room----as long as you don't cave--you will began to see your special little girl gradually start to rappear.  Use a timer , set it outside her bedroom door, and inform her that she may come out when the alarm goes off.   As a sidenote, why are you allowing her to "make a million requests, and ask a million questions"? After a question/request or two, tell her that you're busy and walk away, and put your headphones on. 

Again, this is a simplified response based on my limited knowledge of the situation, and I will reiteratively suggest the hiring of a Rosemond Parenting Coach. And may I also recommend heartily the reading of John Rosemond's book "The Well-Behaved Child."

Mike Smart, CLPC

Parenting Coach

smartmike59@gmail.com 

 

A Sock in the Crotch: Focus on the Sock, not the Crotch

QUESTION:

I did not find this on the very long list of topics so here goes: i got a call from the teacher of my 6-year old grandson who said he is super bright in math and reading ( not sure if this is relevant or not) but  that he walks around sometimes and hits other boys in their privates. 

Is this a sexual thing or not? Hitting another child is not acceptable but this seems to be even worse. Please advise. There is no one else's philosophy I can stomach.

Thank you. 

ADVICE/SUGGESTIONS:

Feel free to unclench your intestine and relax, because I believe your grandson is not a sexual deviant.  Chances are highly likely that his actions have more to do with juvenile humor, instead of some carnal exercise. Many boys punch other boys in the nether regions because the perpetrator views the corresponding reaction to their below-the-gut thwack as simply hysterical. As you stated above, hitting another child is not acceptable--period, and I would approach this situation as  "hitting another child" not " hitting another child in the genitals."  If you "freak out" about the location of the fisticuff, rather than the fisticuff itself, you might want to get ready for some more of the same attention-getting behavior. The "tabooness" of it all can be a little too much for a 6-year old to handle.

Mike Smart, CLPC

"Parenting Outsmarted"

smartmike59@gmail.com

Do I Nag Him O'er and O'er? Quoth the Mother: Nevermore!!

 

QUESTION:

We are having major problems getting our 15 soon to be 16 year old out of bed in the mornings for school. We have changed his bed time to an earlier time and he still will not get up. We have to go into his room 3 and 4 times each morning. We expect him up by 7 or 7:10. He will not get up until 7:20 or after which then causes him to almost be late each morning. It’s a constant battle. Making him go to bed earlier is not helping. He just doesn’t care. Any suggestions? Thank you

ADVICE/SUGGESTIONS:

No more rapping, tapping at your son's chamber door! OK?(Being Halloween, Poe reigns supreme)

As you have so recently discovered, putting a teen to bed earlier definitely does not guarantee he will arise at an earlier time. To get a more exact, productive answer to your  question, I probably need some more information.  Regardless, here are some thoughts, based on the information given:

1. Do not go into his room anymore to wake him up . At this age, he is MORE than capable of getting ready on time. 

2. He needs to bear the burden and responsibility--not you.

3. At his age, everything is Privileges vs Responsibility. If he is not responsible, than various privileges should be revoked.

4. It really doesn't matter what time he gets up, as long as he does what he needs to do in the morning and is ready to leave on time.

5. The number one cause of chronic sleep issues of teenagers today relates directly to electronics in the bedroom. Could this be a factor in your situation? If so, no nighttime electronics!

Here's what you do:   Sit down and tell him that you no longer will nag him about getting up in the morning. Tell him that he is old enough to be responsible without your prodding. Also, share with him that his ride (you? or the bus?) will leave promptly at 7:45 (or whatever) every morning. If he is not ready to go at that time, then he will miss his ride. It will then be his responsibility to find his way to school. Also be perfectly clear, that if he misses his ride, then a privilege (iPhone, use of car, Friday night with friends, etc.,) will be revoked and/or a consequence given.   This consequence must be fairly extreme in nature, such as no iPhone for two weeks or doing the dishes for a month, or early bedtime for three weeks, etc.. 

You need to stop making this YOUR problem to solve---it is HIS.   Now, go forth and enjoy your mornings. Contact me further for additional information.

Mike Smart, CLPC

"Parenting OutSmarted"

smartmike59@gmail.com