A Nazi Reincarnated?

 QUESTION:

My son claims to be reincarnated from a man named Ion Antonescu.  First of all, Ion Antonescu was the Romanian dictator who aligned with Hitler and killed up to 300,000 Jews. Although my son said he takes a “neutral” stance on the fact civilians were murdered, he reveres Antonescu. He has also expressed fascist beliefs. He has no friends and it not influenced by peer pressure AT ALL. He also had an incomprehensible level on knowledge about World War II and history in general. I actually believe his claim, since I have always believed in reincarnation myself and the two do look alike, including the fact that they have identical ears. I would like to know if this is a cause for concern.  My son is fifteen. I believe his claim because he has a lot of amazing, intuitive knowledge about Antonescu. He was interested in Romanian history even before this. I am concerned because my son favors the Axis powers and is "neutral" towards the Holocaust on his best days. He is proud to be reincarnated from a mass murderer. My son says Antonescu was a "holy" man and that finding out he is reincarnated from him is the only thing keeping him from going into a deep depression (due to other circumstances in his life). He is a good student and has no behavioral problems. How should I handle this?

ADVICE/SUGGESTIONS:

Not a typical run-of-the-mill parenting concern; however, every kid goes through bizarre stages at some point in their childhood and teen years, causing the parent to mentally voice, "what planet are you from?".......    The younger the child is, the more frequent and more bizarre the phases he goes through--and each odd stage is usually quite transient as well. His being a good student with no behavior problems--plus, you mentioned no other strange, malevolent idiosyncrasies related to his "reincarnation"-- then my advice is downplay it and don't give it too much of the "time of day." If a parent gives attention to an oddity such as this, this kind of phase may last longer. Negative attention is attention, nonetheless.  But I would keep tabs on ANY unusual behaviors.  If your concern remains, I would

1. Get  down on paper the things he says or does regarding his claim, and if he initiates a conversation, feel free to just listen and periodically ask open-ended questions;  in addition,  I would: 

2.  In confidence---email or meet with a handful of trustworthy adults who know your son and are in contact with him  (teachers, youth leaders, etc)--asking them to let you know if they have noticed any strange verbal or physical behaviors on your son's part. You may or may not share any more details than that with them.  If they do report back to you that they HAVE noticed several bizarre goings-on, you may eventually want to contact a trusted biblical pastor friend or a mental health professional, who has dealt with "past life memories" of children.

"Milquetoastness": the Bane of a Father; plus, a 15-Year Old's Enslavement

 

QUESTION:

        I have a 15-year old son in a split living situation---one week with Mom, one week with Me. I am trying to figure out what to do with him and technology. Video gaming has become an addiction. I am okay with 30 minutes a day if everything else is done. He does not follow anything that I lay out for him in terms of boundaries. Cellphone (smartphone) has become a huge issue, too. He is violating boundaries as well and manipulating by saying I don't trust him because at Mom's house, she lets him make his own decisions regarding technology. I have a digital contract we are to go through, but I am extremely frustrated as he continues to lose interest in other things. He does school and year round swimming well, but has lost interest in most things. Friends are a pretty good group. He sees his phone and video games as ways to stay connected with them. He continues to withdraw at home. I recognize he is playing me against Mom. His sisters and my new wife are very concerned. Definitely showing addiction.

ADVICE/SUGGESTIONS:

     The overwhelming preoccupation/enslavement to screens and "what's a parent to do", may be the most prevalent issue that I encounter as a Parenting Coach. Here are some thoughts, more specific to your situation:

1. We are living in a day of the Milquetoast Dad. Are YOU one? You know--the kind of dad where a child does not "follow anything I lay out for him in terms of boundaries"? When I read that quotation  above, I assumed that there may very well be a problem with parental authority. 

2. He is "manipulating" you? By his saying  " you don't trust me because at Mom's house, she lets him make my own decisions regarding technology"? Children of divorced parents play this game of Pit constantly---and sadly, nowadays it works more than ever. So does that ploy work on you? So again---are you a Milquetoast dad?

3.  "Losing interest in other things" is of major concern. Where teens used to participate in and even perfect their lifelong hobbies and interests---the theater, archery, bowling, veterinarianism, martial arts, politics, sports, music, Indian history----they now instead are found upstairs in their bedroom with an electronic device, which has now become the most common activity of teens, according to research. 

Suggested Responses:

     First--Your situation is most likely in need of the services of a Parenting Coach. I, as well as many others on this site, am well qualified to deal with your issue. It may be worth the few hundred dollar expenditure. 

     Second--Ignore any "mom lets me and you don't" manipulation attempts. Your response to those endeavors should be something to the effect,  " Son, I guess I'm meaner than your mom. Get used to it. In our home, we will have a peaceful, productive, interactive household, where all are contributing members." True authority provides secure boundaries for a child. 

     Third--When he says that you "don't trust him"--- ignore, or respond with " Exactly---I wouldn't trust myself as a 15-year old, either." Your son's exploitative attempts should not affect you in the least and should not prevent you from doing what is right. 

     Fourth--I referred to you as a possible "milquetoast" because he violates all your boundaries and contracts. Therefore, due to his violations, why does he still have use of a smart phone in your home? Or any electronic device, for that matter? 

    Fifth--Your son could become a doctor, a lawyer, a historian, a head coach at a college, a premier counselor/psychologist, a principal, a business leader, a karate instructor, a businessman, etc, etc.  But instead of learning about and honing his skills/aptitudes in these areas and many others while in his teens, he will ALWAYS default to his addiction--unless you put a stop to it. Disregard what goes on at the other household. You can't control that. 

     Sixth--He wants to connect with his friends? Consistently invite his friends over to YOUR house. Connecting in-person is the best way to connect, anyway.  Of course, it should be a screen-free situation. They should check the electronics at the door. 

And remember--if you "put your foot down"--as you should--get ready for Screams of Horror that will rend th' affrighted Skies! Once you survive that, you will gradually discover that the boy you used to know will start making a reappearance--once he has escaped the "unreality" of the Gaming/Electronic world. Be a Long-term Parent--by doing what is right and surviving the short-term. 

I want to add also that it is important during the intense teen years to be loving and affectionate with your son--during those times when the Iron is a little less Hot.

     "Milquetoastness" always hurts immeasurably the ones you want to help the most.

I do understand that there are many nuances to your situation of which I am unaware. That is why I do recommend the hiring of a Parenting Coach.

Mike Smart, CLPC

"Parenting OutSmarted"

smartmike59@gmail.com

Five Years Old: The Age of Fine Whine

 QUESTION:

        My youngest, who is 5 years old, is feeling left out, saying the neighborhood kids don’t want to play with him. However, I don’t blame them! He is very whiny, tattles constantly, and doesn't share well. The kids are kind and do try to include him, but prefer to play with his older sister. What’s the best way to handle this?

ADVICE/SUGGESTIONS:

     To whom does your son tattle or whine? Who is this person who provides a listening ear for his irksome conduct? My guess is that person is YOU! The fact that your five-year old has a problem with "whining and tattling constantly" indicates to me that you may very well be constantly responding to his negative attention-getting behavior. You must stop "feeding the beast!" You must starve your maddening little monkey! Once he drops the excess weight of Undue Female Attention & Treatment(UFAT), your boy will then be free to learn how to handle frustration--on his own. Learn the creative Art of Ignoring; and if that doesn't work, levy a consequence--or do both. You need  respond only when he comes to you with more of a composed, self-controlled, respectful temperament--and no tattling(except in rare emergency situations, of course).

    Well-meaning mental health professionals have told parents to empathize with the deep feelings of their preschooler and to understand the WHY'S behind his constant tantruming, tattling  and whining. Empathy and Understanding are fine, but first, one needs to eliminate the negative behavior--Nip it in the Bud, so to speak; something previous mothers of previous generations would have done immediately. 

    So next time he comes to you with that behavior, send him to his room for 10 minutes(set your phone alarm or stove timer), and when his time is up, he can try approaching you again in a more self-regulated manner. If he commits another related behavior faux pas, send him up to his room for 30 minutes and then add a consequence. 

    Eventually, as his behavior starts to shape up, it will become much easier for his playmates to welcome him into the fold. 

    And as we know, nothing ages worse than a not-so-fine whine.

 

The Compass Points South: A 15-Year-Old’s Craving for Independence

                                              

QUESTION:

I have a 15 year old daughter that I used to call my "compass" as she was such an easy child to raise. But, the last 2 years have been difficult. Now, I haven't spoken to her for 3 days because I know the result: she is grumpy, surly, rude and turns every interaction into an argument and complaint even if I am helping her. She even surprised me by being downright insulting to me when I wanted to ride a roller coaster with her. I am worried that if we speak, she will behave the same and just perpetuate the problem. She does not have social media, but does spend every allowed minute on her phone browsing Pinterest and watching Netflix (we set limits). We have now blocked her apps so that she can only call, text, and listen to music for 2 weeks and told her that until she can change her attitude and behavior, that will be extended and may lose the phone entirely. I have told her that I love her and want to restore our relationship, but don't know why she is acting this way.

ADVICE/SUGGESTIONS:

Good news!  Based on what limited knowledge I have of your situation, I proclaim you to be a Good Parent! And I also bestow a Proclamation of Normalcy upon your daughter.  A teenage daughter's yearning for independence takes many forms--many of them unique, but most all of them normal. Unfortunately, much of the time this yearning manifests itself in bad behavior. Some minimal bad behaviors, we can ignore. But many of these uncivil manners may need a memorable consequence. You mentioned that there has been no communication the last three days-- so enjoy the freedom from her surliness, grumpiness, etc.; this will not last. At this stage, minimal engagement with her is probably best, anyway.  She loves you, but may very well not like you for much of her teenage years. No worries--your job is not to create a Wonderful Relationship with her, anyway. That day will come---and maybe not till her adulthood.  But now, you are definitely riding a roller coaster with her; albeit a metaphoric, extended ride.   I love how you have her off social media, and I wouldn't hesitate to relieve her of her phone--period. You're a Good Parent because you love her, and are willing to discipline her and stick to your guns.  I wouldn't concern myself with any form of parent guilt, or the idea that you must appease her so that she will like you. That is not your job. You have already told her that you love her and want to restore the relationship, but I wouldn't harp on that continually. The book of Hebrews says, "Discipline will be painful(for both of you) for the moment, but in the end it will yield the fruits of peace and righteousness." As her behavior heads south. keep doing what is right in a calm, poised manner--even though she may keep doing  what is wrong. 

With a loving, yet firm and unyielding, parental hand----this too, shall then pass.

"Boxers on the Noggin'": The Silliness of a Boy--and his Disobedience

Question:

This is regarding the card system. The rules we initially established are: no hitting/kicking, no throwing and do what mom and dad say. So, sometimes we will be getting dressed and he’s being silly and sticking his underwear on his head. I say “put on your underwear now!” And he continues to be silly… do I say it again? Or immediately take a card away? There are a number of situations like this and sometimes I feel too permissive or too controlling and definitely not consistent. 

Advice/Suggestions:

Nowhere in your question do you mention your son's age, which could be somewhat relevant to the situation. Young boys/toddlers have been known to be silly and do silly things. Wearing underwear as a hat shows a creative use of imagination, as well as a way to get mom's attention. Maybe you should  join right in, and next time he dons his skivvies upon his head, put a pair on your head as well, and do a "briefs on the brain" dance with him. Have fun with it! My point: it's okay for him to be imaginatively silly. Enjoy this stage of life.

          In the future, if you need him to put his underwear on, just say casually once or twice, "Be downstairs in 5 minutes dressed and ready to go." Then leave the room.  If he comes down AFTER the  five minute time frame, or if he comes down not dressed and ready, with his underwear not covering the appropriate end, THEN he has demonstrated disobedience, and a card should be taken away.

             If you are relatively early-on in the Card program, I do think it is okay to voice one reminder. A lot depends on the age of the child. Eventually, there should be no reminders given. Suggestion: employ the use of an alarm clock, a stove timer, or better yet-the timer on your phone, to use for a variety of obedience/disobedience dilemmas: "you have five minutes to finish getting dressed"; "you have ten minutes to pick up your toys"; "you have 30 minutes finish your homework,"; "you have two minutes to be sitting down at the dinner table," etc., etc.    Obviously, having to set a timer after you make a request is not designed to be utilized endlessly, but periodically and early on in the program. In general, ignore the silliness, but take note of the disobedience. 

Don't Dis Respect

 

Question:

Our 8 year old has grown increasingly disrespectful. He is perfect respectful to adults like teachers and parents of his friends, so it is primarily an issue at home. 

Often the disrespect is related to feeling embarrassed by us. He is acutely aware of how he might come across to others, so he speaks disrespectfully when he feels embarrassed by us which seems to be often and for minor issues.  The disrespect does span to other situations-basically any time he feels like we did something with which he doesn’t agree. 

He is also often rude to his siblings. I know some sibling conflict is normal, but this seems excessive. I hear him multiple times per day tell his younger brothers how annoying they are, and he often yells at them to stop whatever behavior they are doing that he doesn’t like. 

We’ve been asking him to stop, and having him rephrase his disrespectful words, but this problem doesn’t seem to be improving. Thanks for your help in this matter. 

Advice/Suggestions:

During the early part of a child's latency period, he sometimes becomes self-conscious of his parents, usually around the 7-10 year age range....Therefore,  an 8-year old feeling embarrassed about his parents is not uncommon. The "Embarrassing Parent" syndrome may ebb and flow for the next several years, but he will outgrow it.  I wouldn't worry too much about that.  The disrespectful language and tone is more of a concern. However, the fact that he is perfectly respectful to adults OUT of  the home shows that he is perfectly capable of respecting the adults(and siblings) IN the home. Make it a "3-Strike and your Out" issue. Using a marker, number three index cards with the numerals 1-2-3 respectively, and clip the index cards to the refrigerator with a magnetic clip. Tell him ahead of time that any disrespect in word or tone toward his family members during the day will be dealt with. The first time during any particular day when he commits the sin of disrespect, have him go get the Strike 1 card from the refrigerator and hand it to you. With the second offense, have him hand you the Strike 2 card. On the third strike, levy a consequence---say, going to bed an hour early each day and no screen time for the next 3 days(or whatever--as long as he  really "feels" the consequence.)  Each day is a clean slate, starting with zero strikes. There is no need to discuss his offense each time he disrespects. Just calmly, in a few words, tell him to go grab a Strike card, and then drop the subject and move on. Show yourself to be completely unaffected by his behavior. Many kids love getting their parents riled up and relish the attention from them, even if it is negative. Let's not enable his attention-seeking behavior by "having a cow."   

And get ready! He will test you. Hold to the Strike Card program, and don't cave. He may pitch his own hissy fit, have a cow and a canary, but eventually he will get with the program--but he won't be cured in a day or two. Give it time. Let me know how things go.

The Terrible Threes: Taking a Powder with the Doctor

 

Question:

Threenagers worse than the terrible twos?

My 3.5 yr old daughter is very disrespectful toward myself and my husband. She's frequently whining, throwing tantrums, and during those tantrums yelling at mom and dad. We discipline but not sure it's working? Are we putting her in timeout for too long and she forgets why she's in trouble?

Advice/Suggestions:

I feel your pain. When my wife and I were raising our four children, I was aware of the horrors of the Terrible Twos. But the 2's were relatively peaceful for us. But when they turned 3+, I was shocked when the devil in them arose--ha! For three of our children, the 3's were the Terrible Twos. So the fact that your daughter goes ballistic much more as a three year old is not that uncommon.  

A couple of sidenotes: Timeouts tend not to make a lasting impression on the child, and are best used for relatively obedient children who may have misstepped briefly. Your situation is beyond that. And no, she has not forgotten why she is in trouble. Also, just because a parenting strategy isn't working, give it some time--and never cave to the child's emotional screaming and begging. 

There are periodic occasions when you can play oblivious, and her milder tantrums can be ignored and should be---pretend that you don't hear her; and you can even act like your talking on the phone, enjoying a conversation with a friend or whatever. Or tell her other siblings, "Let's go to the front porch and have a popsicle," all the while being poised and happy. The point being that little Juniorette eventually realizes that no tantrumizing or negative, attention-getting behaviors will affect your life in any way. And unfortunately for her, when she recovers from her overdramatizing, she won't get a popsicle . But if the tantrums are frequent or too extreme(which I gather they are or you would not have posed the question on this site)that you are unable to ignore them, then may I present  my own version of a couple of Rosemond techniques that have been successful for the parents in my practice:

1. Use the Tantrum Room- a special place(maybe the bathroom or laundry room--or even her bedroom, if nothing else is available)where she can to scream and pound the floor and tantrumize to her heart's content. Rosemond calls it the Powder Room---the place for a child to go when emotions get out of control.  You can tell her she needs to go "take a powder." When things are calm show her this designated place, informing her that it is her special yelling and crying spot. Show her the oven timer or an alarm clock, and tell her when she hears the timer go off after ten minutes( or more), she can come out from her Powder Room--and not until then--if she is ready to be a "big girl".  So whenever she has a conniption or is on the verge thereof, put her in her Most Extraordinary Place, and then set the alarm.  You may have to take her by the hand or even be more forcible physically to make sure she goes to the room and stays. Do a trial run. You can act like her and pitch a fit(to show her how silly it looks), and pound the floor-- and then she can be the mommy who tells you to "go take a powder."  Set the alarm for a minute and show her once in the room how to yell and pound the floor or whatever, and also show her how to  calm down.   Sidenote: Wherever you locate her Powder Room, make  sure that anything that may cause her to hurt herself or any sharp loose objects are removed. You may also want to remove most items of entertainment value, so it will remain a place of which she does not want to go; maybe use a room with just a few pillows and a few books that she can peruse. Laundry rooms tend to work best. 

 Also, feel free to use "The Doctor": Tell her you talked to the Doctor and that he said that when 3- year olds throw tantrums, it is because they are too tired and may need to go bed early for a few nights; and that you as her mommy must do what  the Doctor orders. 

In summary:  Playing the oblivious game, having her go to bed early, calling on the Doctor, and especially, using the tantrum room are four techniques you may want to consider using. Chapter 4 of Rosemond's book, "The Well-Behaved Child" details a similar situation further and is a great resource.........Keep me updated or contact me for clarification.

Mike Smart

"Parenting Outsmarted"

smartmike59@gmail.com