Parent Question: Sass in the Second Stage

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Question:

Hello, I'm confused about why in the second stage of parenting, ages 10 to 13, it appears that if a child yells at their parents or is disrespectful, there is an immediate consequence. For example, this kind of thing could be on the strike chart, correct? However, while listening to the teen proofing audiophile, John explains how his daughter Amy was back talking and saying things like, "I'm not going to do the chores because I need a day off"   He then brings up how most parents at this point would be saying things like, "you don't get to talk to me like that, it's my house and blah blah blah." However, he doesn't engage, but tells her they have good communication. Haha He doesn't give a consequence for the back talk. So, am I misunderstanding how to deal with a younger child who acts in this way, or am I supposed to give consequences for children between 3 and 13 for this type of behavior, but not for teenagers? And finally, if I don't give consequences for my teenager for this type of thing,  when do I? Like is there ever a point where a teenagers back talk is too much and shouldn't be ignored? And when is That?

I know this is a loaded question but I really am wanting to know because I have children who fit into the 3 to 13 stage and the teenage stage. And my daughter is a teenager and is rude and disrespectful a lot unfortunately. It's really hard to know what to do with her....

Advice/ Suggestions:

Sass, backtalk, yelling, confrontation, etc., are definitely legit misbehaviors that should not be tolerated--especially if they are on a Target Misbehavior List as in Strikes, Tickets, e.g....  Consequences should be swift and memorable.

However, to avoid engaging in Hot-Moment Argumentation(HMA)with your teenage daughter(as well as your younger ones), Rosemond recommends(as do I) allowing your child to have the Last Word, so as to avoid any lengthy, back-and-forth HMA. The parents always come out the loser in any extensive HMA. Give the child the little victory of having  the Last Word-- nod, agree with them that life is tough, then walk away with a purpose, knowing full well you will win the war because you are the Leader; actually, you both will win the war in the long run. The happiest children are obedient children.

Now--what exactly is the Last Word? Understand that even in the maturest of adults, responses in the heat-of-the moment are rarely our wisest responses. Frequently they consist of words we wish we could take back. Therefore, common sense tells us that a youngster/teenager will be unable to control his/her tongue completely during a hot moment, when the parent is saying "no" or levying some sort of memorable punishment. Some allowance should be given for an "I hate you", or "I wish you weren't my parent" or "you both are old and look like gnomes" and such. But--you have to decide where the line crosses from a quick retort during the HMA to blatant and lengthy disrespect. If your thirteen-year old continues with her badgering, yelling, total disrespectation--another consequence may need to be levied. But not right then. Just remove yourself by walking away and then contrive another consequence later when things(and your child) are calmer. Give her a minor additional punishment or warning at that time, let her know where she crossed the  line with you during your last HMA, and then calmly drop the subject. From then on, no more minor punishments when her tongue goes out-of-control. Allowing the teen the Last Word to vent is one thing, but allowing total, blatant disrespect is another. YOU have to decide where your line is. Suggestion: Err on the side of least allowance.

 And when it's time for her high school graduation in a few years, I will give you permission to throw a "going-away" party--the day AFTER she heads off to college.

Mike Smart CLPC

facebook.com/ParentingOutsmarted/

smartmike59@gmail.com

Parent Question: Tumultuous Trio

QUESTION:

Where do we start?  We have 3 girls age 6, 5, and 4.  They are ALL out of control.  Reading through the Well Behaved Child I'm overwhelmed with all the methods.  My husband and I have started practicing "alpha speech", respond calmly,  etc.  But, our kids are taking that as license for a free for all.  Because the punishment isn't immediate they pretty much still ignore me and go on to more and worse behavior throughout the day.  Tonight we plan on stripping down the bedroom and playroom.  But, I'm afraid that will just lead to them branching out into destroying all of MY things instead of theirs.  I feel like I'm out of punishments.  Like nothing I could take away will cause that agony principle to take effect.  Also because they share their bedroom it won't be a punishment, they'll just play together. We already don't have a tv or video games to take away. How do we "up the ante"? Or, Is this just the "gets worse before it gets better" phase?  I feel like my kids just think they're getting away with everything because I'm not yelling or getting upset?

 SUGGESTION/ ADVICE:

  I do feel I have garnered some wisdom in dealing with the ages of your girls, because for the past three years, I have been extensively involved in the care-taking of four children, currently ages 3-9--three of which are girls; plus being blessed with three sisters and three daughters of my own. Your question seems to indicate that you view this triangular trio of trouble as one overwhelming entity; which is understandable, their being of the same gender and of stair step-proximity in age.   Let's treat it as such; until its time to dole out punishment--then SEPARATION will be the key. And the less complicated the better--for your sanity.

First, use the Ticket system as outlined in the "Well-Behaved Child." As a GROUP give them 5-6 tickets each day--blank index cards in a magnetized clip on the refrigerator. Then list 3-4 target misbehaviors on another index card  and post under a refrigerator magnet. Be specific! Examples you may consider: 1.Tattling  2. Disobedience   3. Arguing/Yelling   4. No physically hurting one another.  When an offense is committed by ANY of the three offenders, let it be known calmly, yet with authority, that you are taking one of their Tickets. And follow the Referee's Rule(p52 in WBC).  Just take the Ticket out of the clip, and put it on the top of the refrigerator.  After the Tickets are depleted for that day, then it's time to implement the consequences. In addition to their shared bedroom, you will need to find/create two other "bedrooms" in your home where a child can lay their head  temporarily--as secluded from each other as possible; where this is little traffic, and  the entertainment value is somewhat minimal(a bathroom, laundry room, etc.). Make sure the rooms can be used as a temporary bedroom all night if need be..... Say to them, "Your tickets are gone, and you have 45 seconds to be your assigned room(you can rotate  the assignments of the rooms daily). They will know that if they don't get there swiftly, time will be added to their "room time". You can make the time any length you want--maybe 1-2 hours.  That can even vary from person to person, if one consistently appears to be more innocent/guilty than the others. Another advantage for you: while they are in their penalty room, you will have some peace and quiet necessary to consider executing any further memory-etching consequences, e.g., no friends over,  sleeping in their assigned rooms for the night, doing extra chores, etc.

 When each child is separated from the other, lessons tend to be learned a bit quicker. And the kids will start policing each others' behavior as well.  Give it time--yes, it may get a tad worse before it gets better, but if you stay the course, the  three bears will soon be sharing the same bedroom once again.

Obviously, there are a variety of scenarios that can occur that cannot be covered adequately here; and you may have questions as well. Feel free to contact me.

Mike Smart

Certified Leadership Parent Coach

smartmike59@gmail.com

Parenting Question: 11 Year-Old Queen?

QUESTION:

I home school our 11-year-old daughter. She refuses to do any work if she does not feel like it. I will send her to her room and she will not go. I inform her that there will be a consequence if she does not, but it does not matter.  Yesterday, she started throwing temper tantrums to get out of work. I told her she had a certain amount of time for me to help her and then I had to attend to other matters. She refused, so I went on with business. As the time approached for her dad to return home, she demanded that I help her with her work. I told her I could not. she got on her bicycle in a downpour and rode it to the park.  She is not allowed to even go up and down our street as there are no sidewalks. She uses her bike with supervision on trails. Any suggestions?

ADVICE/SUGGESTION:

Hi! My first observation:  I first perceived your subject-verb-object phraseology used on several occasions in your question:  she refuses; she will not go; she does not; she started throwing ; she refused; she demanded, she got......What do all seven phrases have in common?  Answer: She is the dictator, she "runs the show", and she is the authority figure--at age 11!

     Remember: Obedient children are the happiest children. And happy children generate relaxed parents. Old-fashioned obedience is the key here. But how can we can knock Queen Sophia the Worst off her throne while we take away her scepter and crown---before she rules the whole kingdom?

Here's a Golden Egg of Wisdom that should help:  From now on, consequences need to be executed consistently, using as few words as possible, because 11-year olds cannot reason or understand reason like an adult; and henceforth, you should be doubly sure that each consequence that you administer, DOES NOT FIT THE CRIME. On a scale of 1-10, if her crime was only a 2, deliver a punishment of 7, e.g...If you typically take her bike away for a week--make it 3 weeks; if you take away her Iphone for a day, make it 14 days; If you don't allow her to go to her friend's house  on a Saturday--make it a month of Saturdays. With each consequence--delivered in a calm, nonchalant manner-- you need to inscribe a memory on her brain that she will never forget!

 Then get ready!  Because she has been allowed to rule over the domain for so long, her natural rebelliousness will take on a life of its own, trying to get you to crumble and cave. Stay the course and, in due time, you will see the amazing fruits of your labor!  "Enabling" is a dirty word.."Tough Love" will never be.

Feel free to email me for connection and clarification.

Mike Smart

Certified Leadership Parent Coach

smartmike59@gmail.com