The Compass Points South: A 15-Year-Old’s Craving for Independence

                                              

QUESTION:

I have a 15 year old daughter that I used to call my "compass" as she was such an easy child to raise. But, the last 2 years have been difficult. Now, I haven't spoken to her for 3 days because I know the result: she is grumpy, surly, rude and turns every interaction into an argument and complaint even if I am helping her. She even surprised me by being downright insulting to me when I wanted to ride a roller coaster with her. I am worried that if we speak, she will behave the same and just perpetuate the problem. She does not have social media, but does spend every allowed minute on her phone browsing Pinterest and watching Netflix (we set limits). We have now blocked her apps so that she can only call, text, and listen to music for 2 weeks and told her that until she can change her attitude and behavior, that will be extended and may lose the phone entirely. I have told her that I love her and want to restore our relationship, but don't know why she is acting this way.

ADVICE/SUGGESTIONS:

Good news!  Based on what limited knowledge I have of your situation, I proclaim you to be a Good Parent! And I also bestow a Proclamation of Normalcy upon your daughter.  A teenage daughter's yearning for independence takes many forms--many of them unique, but most all of them normal. Unfortunately, much of the time this yearning manifests itself in bad behavior. Some minimal bad behaviors, we can ignore. But many of these uncivil manners may need a memorable consequence. You mentioned that there has been no communication the last three days-- so enjoy the freedom from her surliness, grumpiness, etc.; this will not last. At this stage, minimal engagement with her is probably best, anyway.  She loves you, but may very well not like you for much of her teenage years. No worries--your job is not to create a Wonderful Relationship with her, anyway. That day will come---and maybe not till her adulthood.  But now, you are definitely riding a roller coaster with her; albeit a metaphoric, extended ride.   I love how you have her off social media, and I wouldn't hesitate to relieve her of her phone--period. You're a Good Parent because you love her, and are willing to discipline her and stick to your guns.  I wouldn't concern myself with any form of parent guilt, or the idea that you must appease her so that she will like you. That is not your job. You have already told her that you love her and want to restore the relationship, but I wouldn't harp on that continually. The book of Hebrews says, "Discipline will be painful(for both of you) for the moment, but in the end it will yield the fruits of peace and righteousness." As her behavior heads south. keep doing what is right in a calm, poised manner--even though she may keep doing  what is wrong. 

With a loving, yet firm and unyielding, parental hand----this too, shall then pass.

"Boxers on the Noggin'": The Silliness of a Boy--and his Disobedience

Question:

This is regarding the card system. The rules we initially established are: no hitting/kicking, no throwing and do what mom and dad say. So, sometimes we will be getting dressed and he’s being silly and sticking his underwear on his head. I say “put on your underwear now!” And he continues to be silly… do I say it again? Or immediately take a card away? There are a number of situations like this and sometimes I feel too permissive or too controlling and definitely not consistent. 

Advice/Suggestions:

Nowhere in your question do you mention your son's age, which could be somewhat relevant to the situation. Young boys/toddlers have been known to be silly and do silly things. Wearing underwear as a hat shows a creative use of imagination, as well as a way to get mom's attention. Maybe you should  join right in, and next time he dons his skivvies upon his head, put a pair on your head as well, and do a "briefs on the brain" dance with him. Have fun with it! My point: it's okay for him to be imaginatively silly. Enjoy this stage of life.

          In the future, if you need him to put his underwear on, just say casually once or twice, "Be downstairs in 5 minutes dressed and ready to go." Then leave the room.  If he comes down AFTER the  five minute time frame, or if he comes down not dressed and ready, with his underwear not covering the appropriate end, THEN he has demonstrated disobedience, and a card should be taken away.

             If you are relatively early-on in the Card program, I do think it is okay to voice one reminder. A lot depends on the age of the child. Eventually, there should be no reminders given. Suggestion: employ the use of an alarm clock, a stove timer, or better yet-the timer on your phone, to use for a variety of obedience/disobedience dilemmas: "you have five minutes to finish getting dressed"; "you have ten minutes to pick up your toys"; "you have 30 minutes finish your homework,"; "you have two minutes to be sitting down at the dinner table," etc., etc.    Obviously, having to set a timer after you make a request is not designed to be utilized endlessly, but periodically and early on in the program. In general, ignore the silliness, but take note of the disobedience. 

Don't Dis Respect

 

Question:

Our 8 year old has grown increasingly disrespectful. He is perfect respectful to adults like teachers and parents of his friends, so it is primarily an issue at home. 

Often the disrespect is related to feeling embarrassed by us. He is acutely aware of how he might come across to others, so he speaks disrespectfully when he feels embarrassed by us which seems to be often and for minor issues.  The disrespect does span to other situations-basically any time he feels like we did something with which he doesn’t agree. 

He is also often rude to his siblings. I know some sibling conflict is normal, but this seems excessive. I hear him multiple times per day tell his younger brothers how annoying they are, and he often yells at them to stop whatever behavior they are doing that he doesn’t like. 

We’ve been asking him to stop, and having him rephrase his disrespectful words, but this problem doesn’t seem to be improving. Thanks for your help in this matter. 

Advice/Suggestions:

During the early part of a child's latency period, he sometimes becomes self-conscious of his parents, usually around the 7-10 year age range....Therefore,  an 8-year old feeling embarrassed about his parents is not uncommon. The "Embarrassing Parent" syndrome may ebb and flow for the next several years, but he will outgrow it.  I wouldn't worry too much about that.  The disrespectful language and tone is more of a concern. However, the fact that he is perfectly respectful to adults OUT of  the home shows that he is perfectly capable of respecting the adults(and siblings) IN the home. Make it a "3-Strike and your Out" issue. Using a marker, number three index cards with the numerals 1-2-3 respectively, and clip the index cards to the refrigerator with a magnetic clip. Tell him ahead of time that any disrespect in word or tone toward his family members during the day will be dealt with. The first time during any particular day when he commits the sin of disrespect, have him go get the Strike 1 card from the refrigerator and hand it to you. With the second offense, have him hand you the Strike 2 card. On the third strike, levy a consequence---say, going to bed an hour early each day and no screen time for the next 3 days(or whatever--as long as he  really "feels" the consequence.)  Each day is a clean slate, starting with zero strikes. There is no need to discuss his offense each time he disrespects. Just calmly, in a few words, tell him to go grab a Strike card, and then drop the subject and move on. Show yourself to be completely unaffected by his behavior. Many kids love getting their parents riled up and relish the attention from them, even if it is negative. Let's not enable his attention-seeking behavior by "having a cow."   

And get ready! He will test you. Hold to the Strike Card program, and don't cave. He may pitch his own hissy fit, have a cow and a canary, but eventually he will get with the program--but he won't be cured in a day or two. Give it time. Let me know how things go.

The Terrible Threes: Taking a Powder with the Doctor

 

Question:

Threenagers worse than the terrible twos?

My 3.5 yr old daughter is very disrespectful toward myself and my husband. She's frequently whining, throwing tantrums, and during those tantrums yelling at mom and dad. We discipline but not sure it's working? Are we putting her in timeout for too long and she forgets why she's in trouble?

Advice/Suggestions:

I feel your pain. When my wife and I were raising our four children, I was aware of the horrors of the Terrible Twos. But the 2's were relatively peaceful for us. But when they turned 3+, I was shocked when the devil in them arose--ha! For three of our children, the 3's were the Terrible Twos. So the fact that your daughter goes ballistic much more as a three year old is not that uncommon.  

A couple of sidenotes: Timeouts tend not to make a lasting impression on the child, and are best used for relatively obedient children who may have misstepped briefly. Your situation is beyond that. And no, she has not forgotten why she is in trouble. Also, just because a parenting strategy isn't working, give it some time--and never cave to the child's emotional screaming and begging. 

There are periodic occasions when you can play oblivious, and her milder tantrums can be ignored and should be---pretend that you don't hear her; and you can even act like your talking on the phone, enjoying a conversation with a friend or whatever. Or tell her other siblings, "Let's go to the front porch and have a popsicle," all the while being poised and happy. The point being that little Juniorette eventually realizes that no tantrumizing or negative, attention-getting behaviors will affect your life in any way. And unfortunately for her, when she recovers from her overdramatizing, she won't get a popsicle . But if the tantrums are frequent or too extreme(which I gather they are or you would not have posed the question on this site)that you are unable to ignore them, then may I present  my own version of a couple of Rosemond techniques that have been successful for the parents in my practice:

1. Use the Tantrum Room- a special place(maybe the bathroom or laundry room--or even her bedroom, if nothing else is available)where she can to scream and pound the floor and tantrumize to her heart's content. Rosemond calls it the Powder Room---the place for a child to go when emotions get out of control.  You can tell her she needs to go "take a powder." When things are calm show her this designated place, informing her that it is her special yelling and crying spot. Show her the oven timer or an alarm clock, and tell her when she hears the timer go off after ten minutes( or more), she can come out from her Powder Room--and not until then--if she is ready to be a "big girl".  So whenever she has a conniption or is on the verge thereof, put her in her Most Extraordinary Place, and then set the alarm.  You may have to take her by the hand or even be more forcible physically to make sure she goes to the room and stays. Do a trial run. You can act like her and pitch a fit(to show her how silly it looks), and pound the floor-- and then she can be the mommy who tells you to "go take a powder."  Set the alarm for a minute and show her once in the room how to yell and pound the floor or whatever, and also show her how to  calm down.   Sidenote: Wherever you locate her Powder Room, make  sure that anything that may cause her to hurt herself or any sharp loose objects are removed. You may also want to remove most items of entertainment value, so it will remain a place of which she does not want to go; maybe use a room with just a few pillows and a few books that she can peruse. Laundry rooms tend to work best. 

 Also, feel free to use "The Doctor": Tell her you talked to the Doctor and that he said that when 3- year olds throw tantrums, it is because they are too tired and may need to go bed early for a few nights; and that you as her mommy must do what  the Doctor orders. 

In summary:  Playing the oblivious game, having her go to bed early, calling on the Doctor, and especially, using the tantrum room are four techniques you may want to consider using. Chapter 4 of Rosemond's book, "The Well-Behaved Child" details a similar situation further and is a great resource.........Keep me updated or contact me for clarification.

Mike Smart

"Parenting Outsmarted"

smartmike59@gmail.com

Out of Sorts with Sports--the Angst of a 7-year Old

 

Question:

Our seven year old son wanted to sign up for soccer this season. He played soccer once a few years ago but hasn’t played organized sports in a few years. So far, he has yet to go to a practice or a game. When he arrives, he freaks out, stays in the car, cries, and even hides. I think he’s incredibly nervous for some reason, and we can’t seem to talk him out of it. He’s generally an outgoing kid though he tends to be a little nervous in new situations.  When he’s not at a practice or game, he’s really excited and tells people he’s playing soccer.  He seems to genuinely want to play until he is actually at a game or practice, and then he’s just overcome with fear. I think he will love playing once he actually gets out there and gets over the hump, and we want to encourage him without making it a battle. Do you have any thoughts about helping him  feel brave enough to play? Thanks  

Advice/Suggestions:

Organized sports definitely have their place in our society--from one who has been involved in them my whole life; although the younger the child, the less valuable the impact and value of organized sports. However, there is no question in my mind that the best success stories in sports AND in life begin with an uncomfortable breakthrough opportunity; that momentous time when it is much easier to quit, and must riskier to put oneself "out there."  Choosing the risk, breaking through, and then following through can bring immeasurable satisfaction and self-confidence in a child. Kids will rarely risk feeling uncomfortable for the greater future good of which they cannot see.  And typically--without parental encouragement---the child will choose the passive,safer, less rewarding route.  Some considerations/options that may get Little Mister 7 to "go for it" at some point:

1. If he doesn't want to participate in the next practice---without any pleading on your part-- just have him sit with you in the bleachers and watch practice . You can bring a book to read and so can he--no electronics or screens. Don't allow him to go back to the car and sit.  Once or twice during practice, merely suggest that he participate.  

 2. Maybe he's not old enough to quite handle this yet. Maybe try again next season. There is a wide variety of emotional maturity at that age. Organized sports at a young age isn't for everyone. Instead, have a "soccer day" playdate or two at home or at a nearby park with siblings and friends his age, where they must have some "backyard soccer" and then have snacks during "halftime." 

 3. In many cases, this is just a phase that he will soon outgrow.  

4. Have someone else take him to practice. Sometimes, not having that "motherly security blanket" nearby will cause Junior to take a risk. 

5. Have a brief conversation with the coach of the team. Get his ideas on how to get your son to participate. Many coaches can be creative motivators and can convince hesitant participants to involve themselves in the activity. 

6. Tell him you're done carting him to practice and games if he chooses not to participate. Tell him that he can go to the practice/game AND fully participate--- or he can  stay home; and that you  will  have  a "fulfilling" activity for him in which to engage in place of soccer; maybe help mom with dinner or dust the house, etc.. If he says he will participate and wants to go to soccer--but changes his mind once you have gotten to the field, then there would need to be the implementation of a consequence/punishment. 

                                                                                                                    Good luck!

Mike Smart, CLPC

"Parenting OutSmarted"

smartmike59@gmail.com

Deconstructing the Monster: the 3D's at age 10

 

Question:

We are ready to reset with our 10-year-old son so that he understands we mean what we say and even more, understands consequences. How do we do that in a way that will work (sort of feeling like it's too late and we've created the monster by not sticking to stuff or allowing bad behavior). We're ready for drastic but is it too late?

Advice/Suggestions:

Let out a big "whew"--cuz it ain't too late!  Although the earlier you address his bad behavior, the easier. I heartily recommend a focused perusal of John Rosemond's book, "The Well-Behaved Child"; particularly the chapters concerning the strategy of Strikes and Target Misbehaviors. Particular strategies and consequences can be effective for a time, but most ANY strategy will work once the child sees the parent displaying consistent effective leadership. Does your child obey you? Or do you obey your child?

Here's a typical scenario:  The child takes on a 3D posture toward the parent(one of Disobedience, Defiance, or Disrespect--or any combination thereof); an engagement ensues; a war of words escalates; angers rise, the parent yells, threatens, etc. At this point, the parent has already lost the battle. Once the child has caused a family disruption, and has also caused the parent to react emotionally to his negative attention-getting behaviors, any opportunity to establishing proper leadership on the parent's part is gone. 

You said you are "ready for drastic." Are you really? If so, then from now on, when your son displays any of the 3D's. you give him a Strike(see "Well-Behaved Child"). On the third strike that day, give him a punishment that doesn't fit the crime--go a degree beyond. 

 Instead of one day without electronics and TV, make it a week. Instead of going to bed early for 3 days, make it 10 days, etc....In other words, make sure the punishment creates a Memorable Impression upon your son; so much so, that he will not want to exhibit that behavior again. 

You and your husband need to have a sit-down(or a Team Meeting, as I call it) with your son. Explain to him what the 3 D's are, and give some examples, then let him know that any 3D behaviors beyond the two strikes may result in some extreme punishment, and even give him some examples of what might happen. Then be prepared to implement, without caving, because he will test you soon. Always follow through--i.e. "say what you mean, and mean what you say.."  Behaviors he is used to getting away with will naturally continue to appear, at first-- so be ready. Cataclysmic tantrums and whining may occur--which means you are probably doing the right thing. Do understand that improvement may not be seen for two weeks or more.  

Mike Smart, CLPC

"Parenting OutSmarted"

smartmike59@gmail.com

6-Year Old Fit-Pitching: Stay Strong, Mom!

 

Question:

Our six and a half year old is not getting her responsibilities completed on school nights. She is in school all day and then goes to an after school program for a couple of hours (we both work). In the car on the way home, I remind her that her job when we get home is to empty her backpack, and then she can go play. Most of the time, we get home and she does not do this. She pets the dog, tells me about her day, etc. I remind her about her backpack, and she starts on it, then gets distracted again. We have started giving her a single warning, and after that, the consequence is that she goes to bed right after dinner. This rarely results in her getting her job done, and when we tell her she is going to bed right after dinner, she screams and cries (and often winds up being sent to her room until dinner).  I wonder if some of this is exhaustion - all day school plus after care - and we need to find a different approach (such as giving her 10-15 minutes when she gets home to calm down and make the rounds before she takes care of her backpack). But I worry that maybe I am being too soft, and we need to stick with our original rule about getting this job done as soon as we get home. I'd love some guidance on the best way to handle this!

Advice/Suggestions:

Good question! One mistake loving parents make----I'm assuming you are one of those loving parents based on your deep concern for your child, and simply the fact that you have subscribed to this website----is to assume that their consequences are inappropriate because of the overwrought emotional reaction of their child. Then because of that reaction, they fear some sort of everlasting emotional harm will come upon  their little one. Please-- set that notion aside, to be brought up nevermore.

One of the most loving things you can teach your young daughter is that your home will have firm boundaries; just like the family who puts up a fence around the backyard---a loving firm boundary designed to protect. And no amount of Fit-Pitching or Temper Tantrums will cause mom to change those loving firm boundaries. Many a greenhorn parent employs unwise short-term parenting consequences or a complete lack thereof, so as to assuage the fussing and tantrumming. Wiser, long-term parents are willing to put up with some crying and fussiness, so a teachable moment can be advantaged. Be a long-term parent, so you won't be dealing with selfish, childlike reactionary behaviors when your child is a preteen and beyond. End it now. 

As it relates to your above question, no different approach is needed. You do not have to give her 10-15 minutes to "make the rounds," when she gets home from school.  When she comes home, say hi and set the timer on the stove for 5 minutes. She will know that when that timer sounds, she is to have X,Y,& Z completed; then you will sit down, have a snack, and the two of you will talk about her day. Maybe you will want to set the timer for ten minutes, so she can feed the dog as well(or whatever) before snack-and-share time. A trial run might be necessary before you actually start--so she will know exactly what needs to be done right after school. and she will know how it is to be done. Your consequences that you have employed are fine. But remember, don't give up on the consequences just because they don't seem to be working. It may take a week or two or three of her spending a lot of time in  her room and going to bed early. At some point she will then have learned that mom, not she, is truly the one in charge.  And there is some security in your child knowing that. And then it will be time to put away your timer as well. Keep me updated, Lara!

Mike Smart, CLPC

"Parenting OutSmarted"

smartmike59@gmail.com