Strut and Fret your Hour upon the Stage--when dealing with a 5-year old NAG

 QUESTION:

When my son (5) gets sent to his room for time out, he goes into his room and begins throwing demonic-style tantrums. He hits the door and screams at the top of his lungs. When he’s done, he comes out composed, calm, and collected. Is the Tantrum Room really a space where I should let him get it all out, or should I be expecting/teaching more emotional regulation?

ADVICE/SUGGESTIONS:

It looks like the  concept of the Tantrum Room IS working. Your son understands that there is a place and time to let out his emotions and frustrations--albeit quite vociferously; and that there is a time and place to be "composed, calm, and collected." Congratulations, Mom! He sounds like a good, little boy! 

I would like you to try one more thing: Next time you employ the Tantrum Room for your son, let him go in there and go all-out "Tasmanian Devil", as per usual. When he comes out controlled emotionally, as per usual, ask him if he did any pounding and yelling while he was in there. He may say, "Didn't you hear me?!?" And you may respond with any number of responses such as "I was busy vacuuming" or " I was on the phone" or "I went outside to get the mail", "I didn't notice", etc., etc.  The key is to pretend like you never notice his demonic pounding and screaming. Avoid phrases like, "Don't pound so loud" or "You're gonna break something."  Your five-year old needs to believe that you are unaware that he is even in the TR; or you that you have forgotten he was in there. Learn the  Art of Fake Ignoring--put on your Acting Shoes.  All the World's a Stage and you are merely a mommy on it. Win an Emmy, for your son's sake! He needs to believe that his excessive behavior is going unnoticed---which should lead to less and less of the violent, excessive behavior. When Negative Attention-Getters(NAGs) garner no attention, the NAG tantrums will gradually disappear. But be thankful your son has his fits within the confines of his special tantrum place.

FOMO in ISO, and Bud-Nipping: Consequencing an 11-yr Old Bully

 

QUESTION:

    My 11 year-old son frequently hits, pushes, etc., his younger siblings, ages 6 and 5,  when no adult is around. It is very much intentional in trying to hurt the others. He will provoke his siblings with acting wild and then hurt them somehow. Obviously, talking hasn't helped. I know his older brother (13) sometimes bullies him, so is he bullying his younger siblings? We homeschool so there is plenty of opportunity for this to happen quite often, many times a day. He is a quiet child who prefers to be by himself, so I am not sure how effective isolation would be. 

ADVICE/SUGGESTIONS:

The only real question you proffered within your above statements was "is he bullying his younger siblings?" I believe you were wanting to know if his older brother has influenced him to the point of his showing the same behavior toward his younger sibs. The answer: "more than likely, yes." If the bullying behavior was never nipped in the bud when the 13-year old exhibited that tendency, then naturally the youngers will tend to emulate some of their older brother's behaviors. As a sidenote; I am glad that you have come to the realization that talking does not help. Explaining yourself to an 11-year old is typically fruitless and may jumpstart needless argumentative interaction. 

Here are some thoughts on the idea of ISOLATION as an effective punishment:

1. We are created to be with people and to have relationships. Even the shy, loner child will eventually want and need legit company.

2. ISOLATION may not work in the immediate, but if the parent is patient, it will begin to be effective. Most kids develop a FOMO(fear of missing out) at some point, so they want to be where it's "happenin."

3. ISOLATION only works if there is little to no access to entertainment for the punishee, wherever he may be isolated. 

4. ISOLATION of the rule-breaker will benefit the rest of his siblings: no bullying or physicality or bad example from said offender.  

5. ISOLATION may take many forms, such as the following;

          a. You and the other kids go to Scene 75 or to a Bouncy House or a Trampoline Park or anything                 the 11-year old would enjoy--without him. 

          b.  Eat your meals as a family---he can eat in his room

          c.  Go to Taco Bell or Dairy Queen with the others--bring back the goodies and eat them in front                 of him

          d. The family watches the favorite TV show---while he remains isolated, away from the family.

          e. The upcoming birthday party of a friend? Sorry, buddy--you're in ISOLATION

The length of isolation is up to you, whether it be 3 days or 3 weeks or whatever. To a segment of readers, some of my ideas may sound harsh(see the end of 4C), but the goal of effective consequences is to prevent recurrence of the offense. To prevent that occurrence, MEMORABLE consequences are needed(Read Hebrews 12:11, Proverbs 19:18). This is what previous parents did during the "good ole days". They nipped it in the bud with a memorable punishment, and thereafter there was little to no  need for any consequences and punishments---all the while raising 6-8-10 kids to become respectful, responsible, productive, upstanding citizens of their community.

           

          

Troubled Teen/Perplexed Parents

QUESTIONS:

We have a problem dealing with our 15-year old son's violent behavior when we take his phone or he gets grounded.  He has been caught taking his older brother's car late at night (without even a learner's permit) to drive around or to buy a vape.  He is also disrespectful in the way he speaks to his dad and me.  His grades have plummeted to where he is on academic probation at his private Christian school.   We have considered sending our son to Camden Military (where my husband finished his schooling due to his going off the wrong track), however our son is adamant about not going. We have brought him to a psychologist where they would help him with medicine and behavior modification; however; my son refuses medicine or to even talk to a counselor.  What do you suggest? 

ADVICE/SUGGESTIONS:

You mentioned several issues with your 15-year old son---ranging from disrespect to enrolling in military schools to taking behavior modification meds. Because of your various and sundry concerns, may I recommend hiring a Parenting Coach from this website--whether it be me or another qualified peer? I have dealt with teenage difficulties and complications for much of my life, so I will go ahead and share some general principles. Anything more will require your connecting with a Parenting Coach.

1. I believe it takes a "man to teach a boy to be a man."  For the most part, his father should take over the reins of mentoring, discipling,  and disciplining your teen. And you should gladly hand those reins to him forthwith. 

2. Your son "refuses", and "is adamant" against---why does his reaction prevent you from doing what is best for him? It appears that he refuses to obey you, yet you feel the need to obey him!?? Wussified parenting creates unruly children. 

3.  I get the impression he still has an iPhone.  When he becomes violent and irritable when it is taken away, could that possibly indicate that he is addicted to the device? If addiction appears to be the case, why do you give it back to him? Keep it for a month or more. He doesn't "need" it.  Many parents are finally wising up to the fact that an iPhone is NOT essential for raising a quality adult-to-be.

4. In general, I do not recommend behavior modification or meds from a psychologist. 

5. Do not be afraid to contact the police or sheriff when he steals his brother's car or another heinous act---we did that with one of our children.  The officer came to our house--and it scared our daughter straight.

6. Troubled Teen Boarding Schools or Teen Residential Treatment Centers---I have heard both positives and negatives regarding this option. Do your research.

7. And most of all--be strong parents. Lead with Authority and Love. Dad needs to run the show--not the child. The feelings and reactions of a child should not matter one twit about the parent doing what is best for said child. 

8. The three of you should sit down and make a list of Privileges and Responsibilities for your son. Examples of Privileges:  use of car(age 16), later curfew, use of iPhone, hanging with friends,  etc.... Examples of Responsibilities:  A's and B's, household chore completion, no violent outbursts, obedience, etc.....

       This is just a cursory, general response to your above question. I would need to know more to respond more specifically. 

Overboard in the Offseason? Dad, Sports, and a 13-year Old

 

QUESTION:

Husband takes our 13 yr old to a sport practice 3x/wk, conditioning 1x/wk, and a trainer 1x/wk which leaves one night/wk for a non-sport activity and one weekend day open.  This sport is in its off season.  Son does not like the sport that much - he is not asking to go to all the practices.  Monthly cost is the same whether they go to one or 3 practices a week.  Conditioning/trainer is a different vendor.  Son tries to get out of a practice once in awhile.  Son might have a headache, is tired, is sore, etc.  Husband just thinks son is making excuses and does not cut him any slack.  Husband will say anything from "you want to get better don't you?" to "don't be quitter/Don't quit on yourself" or "we've already paid for it we might as well go"  Son would choose to do nothing if given the choice so I can appreciate him being involved in something but there needs to be some sort of happy medium and right now the scale in tilted in the wrong direction.   Is there any way to find a balance?

ADVICE/SUGGESTIONS:

I may be one of  the most qualified coaches to answer this question. There are three hats one might need to wear in order to truly understand your situation: the hat of a Father of an Athlete(I have a daughter who is a high-level pro basketball player in Australia); a Parenting Coach(who explores parent/child relationships); and a Sports Coach(in my case, basketball coach for many years). I do feel qualified to help with your situation.  I have worn each of these hats for numerous years. Therefore, I DO appreciate a good father motivating his child to succeed, and in teaching said child discipline and hard work. I also believe in the value of extracurriculars in general: they teach the importance of bodily exercise, sacrificing for others, teamwork, etc.. 

So, If Dad feels his son may have a gift in a certain sport, I see nothing wrong with some encouragement and strong motivation as he tries to instill dedication in his son. If we left kids "to their own devices," most children would default to curling up on their bed with an iPhone in hand, and the like. 

My professional basketball daughter didn't really "get it" till she was about fifteen. But because I was a basketball coach, I was able to easily get  her involved in basketball activities that she thought might be fun, and would easily agree to.  So your son may also develop a true love and dedication for the sport when he is 14 or 15. He may not be there yet.  HOWEVER, the majority of fathers who are more singularly focused on a sport than are their participating sons, usually hurt their relationship with their teen and/or cause their teen to so dislike the sport and the atmosphere dad has created around it, that his child will eventually decide it's not worth it to continue. 

Recommendation: Let your 13 year old be a 13-year old. He is missing out on other valuable things in life. The weekly "necessities" (conditioning, training, practicing) mentioned above for a sport in the off season seem rather excessive. Doing a bit less in the off season will NOT hurt his chances of succeeding in the future. And eventually, he may "own" the sport himself, rather than just dad being the owner. 

 

BeFuddled Father Facing Four Females

QUESTION:

 Hello,

I know you don't know the history at all with my step-daughters.

However, we gave out Easter candy to our 3 daughters (2 step-daughter and one is my own).  The 16 year old step-daughter ate a piece of candy and throws a candy wrapper towards me and proceeds to say, "throw that away", which I did.   Both step-daughters laugh at this action.      

A few minutes later, 16 year old throws another wrapper and it lands on the floor, and proceeds to say the same thing, throw that away, and again both step-daughter laugh.  The mother is sitting in the room and says nothing to the 16 year old.  I didn't say anything either, but later asked their mom about the situation, and she says, the 16 year old was "just joking", and asks why I took it personally.  The mother picked up the candy wrapper btw.  SMH. 

I'm curious to know what your opinion is of this scenario and how would you have handled this situation with me being a step-dad?

ADVICE/SUGGESTIONS:

Honestly, I think you are in a situation where you need to invest in a Parenting Coach. This site can only give "surfacey" answers, because context is always limited.  I've looked at several of the questions/scenarios you have submitted prior on this site, and I see a pattern that has emerged which probably needs some direct outside assistance for a couple months--which I, or another Rosemond Parenting Coach, would be glad to provide.  You might need some detailed expert help on some of the following issues:

1. What is the role of a step-dad? Can I discipline and disciple my step-daughters?

2. What does it mean to be a loving authority figure ?

3. What if my wife (significant other) and I are not on the same parenting page?

4. What is the Art of Ignoring? And how do I employ that Art?

5.  How can a sense of humor be used when dealing with a  disrespectful teen?

6. Am I the head of the household, and if so, what does that mean? 

7. Do I make Mountains out of Molehills? AM I too sensitive?

8. How do I deal with issues related to my daughters' iPhone usage?

9. Can I demand chores be done perfectly, and rooms  picked up, etc?

10. Should I be "looking" for missteps on the part of my daughters?

11. How much independence should I allow my teen daughters?

So take time and mull over the idea of hiring a Parenting Coach. I think it will be well worth it!

Distress at the Dentist's and Choosing Church

 

QUESTION:

Question about The Godfather Principle:

We’re currently implementing the Godfather Principle because of a rather rough (that’s an understatement) dentist visit. We read your response to the question about temper tantrums at the doctor and dentist. Agree wholeheartedly. My question is what is considered a privilege… we are very active in our church and attend regularly. Our three young children go on Wednesdays, too - my husband and I lead a group, so they go to the children’s program. 

I want her to go to church, but I see Wednesday night as a privilege. Is it bad if we take that away? She is stripped of all privileges, but we’re having trouble deciding if Wednesday church is a privilege or a necessity (the inconvenience isn’t the issue - it’s going to be, but we’ll do what we need to in order to nip this in the bud). 

ADVICE/SUGGESTIONS:

From your question, I can safely assume that you possess a strong penchant for instilling your religious faith and values into your children. And the biblical adages strongly emphasizing putting others' interests ahead of one's own can be a key theme here. Each time your child has a looming appointment upcoming, have her take the focus off herself and  ask her what can she do to make things easier for the dentist, doctor, grandma, etc., during a visit.... The idea of self-sacrifice on behalf of others' desires and needs is sorely lacking among today's youth. 

But to answer your question: I would not take away  a privilege that may hurt the growth of a child(mentally, emotionally, or spiritually, etc). I remember having this quandary when I was raising my four children several years ago. I had decided never to include anything in the "grounding" of a  misbehaving child that I felt was needed for the child to grow into a successful adult. If you feel that Wednesday night church is important for your daughter's spiritual growth, then I would NOT take that away. If your child loved vegetables, would you take those away as a punishment?? There are many other consequences that can be used as part of the Godfather Principle, without having to take away a necessary and valuable element in her life. 

A Breathtaking Rescue

                                                    

                                                                                  

QUESTION:

My son saved his teacher's life when she was choking during class. Should he earn a reward for this?

ADVICE/SUGGESTIONS:

With the limit of only knowing little of the context of the situation, my answer is NO. One exception might be if the teacher somewhat vigorously offers a reward to your son, and you both sense  it might be a tad discourteous to refuse it---then maybe a reward could be accepted. But, if you and your son believe he SHOULD be given a reward for saving the teacher, then I believe you have fallen for our culture's new unspoken motto: "I am more important than you." The last few ME-first generations of selfies, MY rights, and a preoccupation with MY interests have usurped previous generations where self-sacrifice for the good of others was paramount. The greatest human being to walk the Earth washed the  feet of others, put the interests of others ahead of his own comfort and desires, and followed his own  mantra: " I come not to be served, but to serve; and to sacrifice my life for others." That needs to be OUR new mantra. 
Your son did a wonderful thing! And any commendation that comes his way is well deserved--that's for sure! What a great story! And he definitely did do the right thing.........But to ask for or demand  a reward gives the sense that he acted on behalf of HIMSELF, not others. So, in summary, if a reward is offered--I see nothing wrong with accepting it with all humility.  ACCEPT it---don't EXPECT it

A Nazi Reincarnated?

 QUESTION:

My son claims to be reincarnated from a man named Ion Antonescu.  First of all, Ion Antonescu was the Romanian dictator who aligned with Hitler and killed up to 300,000 Jews. Although my son said he takes a “neutral” stance on the fact civilians were murdered, he reveres Antonescu. He has also expressed fascist beliefs. He has no friends and it not influenced by peer pressure AT ALL. He also had an incomprehensible level on knowledge about World War II and history in general. I actually believe his claim, since I have always believed in reincarnation myself and the two do look alike, including the fact that they have identical ears. I would like to know if this is a cause for concern.  My son is fifteen. I believe his claim because he has a lot of amazing, intuitive knowledge about Antonescu. He was interested in Romanian history even before this. I am concerned because my son favors the Axis powers and is "neutral" towards the Holocaust on his best days. He is proud to be reincarnated from a mass murderer. My son says Antonescu was a "holy" man and that finding out he is reincarnated from him is the only thing keeping him from going into a deep depression (due to other circumstances in his life). He is a good student and has no behavioral problems. How should I handle this?

ADVICE/SUGGESTIONS:

Not a typical run-of-the-mill parenting concern; however, every kid goes through bizarre stages at some point in their childhood and teen years, causing the parent to mentally voice, "what planet are you from?".......    The younger the child is, the more frequent and more bizarre the phases he goes through--and each odd stage is usually quite transient as well. His being a good student with no behavior problems--plus, you mentioned no other strange, malevolent idiosyncrasies related to his "reincarnation"-- then my advice is downplay it and don't give it too much of the "time of day." If a parent gives attention to an oddity such as this, this kind of phase may last longer. Negative attention is attention, nonetheless.  But I would keep tabs on ANY unusual behaviors.  If your concern remains, I would

1. Get  down on paper the things he says or does regarding his claim, and if he initiates a conversation, feel free to just listen and periodically ask open-ended questions;  in addition,  I would: 

2.  In confidence---email or meet with a handful of trustworthy adults who know your son and are in contact with him  (teachers, youth leaders, etc)--asking them to let you know if they have noticed any strange verbal or physical behaviors on your son's part. You may or may not share any more details than that with them.  If they do report back to you that they HAVE noticed several bizarre goings-on, you may eventually want to contact a trusted biblical pastor friend or a mental health professional, who has dealt with "past life memories" of children.

"Milquetoastness": the Bane of a Father; plus, a 15-Year Old's Enslavement

 

QUESTION:

        I have a 15-year old son in a split living situation---one week with Mom, one week with Me. I am trying to figure out what to do with him and technology. Video gaming has become an addiction. I am okay with 30 minutes a day if everything else is done. He does not follow anything that I lay out for him in terms of boundaries. Cellphone (smartphone) has become a huge issue, too. He is violating boundaries as well and manipulating by saying I don't trust him because at Mom's house, she lets him make his own decisions regarding technology. I have a digital contract we are to go through, but I am extremely frustrated as he continues to lose interest in other things. He does school and year round swimming well, but has lost interest in most things. Friends are a pretty good group. He sees his phone and video games as ways to stay connected with them. He continues to withdraw at home. I recognize he is playing me against Mom. His sisters and my new wife are very concerned. Definitely showing addiction.

ADVICE/SUGGESTIONS:

     The overwhelming preoccupation/enslavement to screens and "what's a parent to do", may be the most prevalent issue that I encounter as a Parenting Coach. Here are some thoughts, more specific to your situation:

1. We are living in a day of the Milquetoast Dad. Are YOU one? You know--the kind of dad where a child does not "follow anything I lay out for him in terms of boundaries"? When I read that quotation  above, I assumed that there may very well be a problem with parental authority. 

2. He is "manipulating" you? By his saying  " you don't trust me because at Mom's house, she lets him make my own decisions regarding technology"? Children of divorced parents play this game of Pit constantly---and sadly, nowadays it works more than ever. So does that ploy work on you? So again---are you a Milquetoast dad?

3.  "Losing interest in other things" is of major concern. Where teens used to participate in and even perfect their lifelong hobbies and interests---the theater, archery, bowling, veterinarianism, martial arts, politics, sports, music, Indian history----they now instead are found upstairs in their bedroom with an electronic device, which has now become the most common activity of teens, according to research. 

Suggested Responses:

     First--Your situation is most likely in need of the services of a Parenting Coach. I, as well as many others on this site, am well qualified to deal with your issue. It may be worth the few hundred dollar expenditure. 

     Second--Ignore any "mom lets me and you don't" manipulation attempts. Your response to those endeavors should be something to the effect,  " Son, I guess I'm meaner than your mom. Get used to it. In our home, we will have a peaceful, productive, interactive household, where all are contributing members." True authority provides secure boundaries for a child. 

     Third--When he says that you "don't trust him"--- ignore, or respond with " Exactly---I wouldn't trust myself as a 15-year old, either." Your son's exploitative attempts should not affect you in the least and should not prevent you from doing what is right. 

     Fourth--I referred to you as a possible "milquetoast" because he violates all your boundaries and contracts. Therefore, due to his violations, why does he still have use of a smart phone in your home? Or any electronic device, for that matter? 

    Fifth--Your son could become a doctor, a lawyer, a historian, a head coach at a college, a premier counselor/psychologist, a principal, a business leader, a karate instructor, a businessman, etc, etc.  But instead of learning about and honing his skills/aptitudes in these areas and many others while in his teens, he will ALWAYS default to his addiction--unless you put a stop to it. Disregard what goes on at the other household. You can't control that. 

     Sixth--He wants to connect with his friends? Consistently invite his friends over to YOUR house. Connecting in-person is the best way to connect, anyway.  Of course, it should be a screen-free situation. They should check the electronics at the door. 

And remember--if you "put your foot down"--as you should--get ready for Screams of Horror that will rend th' affrighted Skies! Once you survive that, you will gradually discover that the boy you used to know will start making a reappearance--once he has escaped the "unreality" of the Gaming/Electronic world. Be a Long-term Parent--by doing what is right and surviving the short-term. 

I want to add also that it is important during the intense teen years to be loving and affectionate with your son--during those times when the Iron is a little less Hot.

     "Milquetoastness" always hurts immeasurably the ones you want to help the most.

I do understand that there are many nuances to your situation of which I am unaware. That is why I do recommend the hiring of a Parenting Coach.

Mike Smart, CLPC

"Parenting OutSmarted"

smartmike59@gmail.com

Five Years Old: The Age of Fine Whine

 QUESTION:

        My youngest, who is 5 years old, is feeling left out, saying the neighborhood kids don’t want to play with him. However, I don’t blame them! He is very whiny, tattles constantly, and doesn't share well. The kids are kind and do try to include him, but prefer to play with his older sister. What’s the best way to handle this?

ADVICE/SUGGESTIONS:

     To whom does your son tattle or whine? Who is this person who provides a listening ear for his irksome conduct? My guess is that person is YOU! The fact that your five-year old has a problem with "whining and tattling constantly" indicates to me that you may very well be constantly responding to his negative attention-getting behavior. You must stop "feeding the beast!" You must starve your maddening little monkey! Once he drops the excess weight of Undue Female Attention & Treatment(UFAT), your boy will then be free to learn how to handle frustration--on his own. Learn the creative Art of Ignoring; and if that doesn't work, levy a consequence--or do both. You need  respond only when he comes to you with more of a composed, self-controlled, respectful temperament--and no tattling(except in rare emergency situations, of course).

    Well-meaning mental health professionals have told parents to empathize with the deep feelings of their preschooler and to understand the WHY'S behind his constant tantruming, tattling  and whining. Empathy and Understanding are fine, but first, one needs to eliminate the negative behavior--Nip it in the Bud, so to speak; something previous mothers of previous generations would have done immediately. 

    So next time he comes to you with that behavior, send him to his room for 10 minutes(set your phone alarm or stove timer), and when his time is up, he can try approaching you again in a more self-regulated manner. If he commits another related behavior faux pas, send him up to his room for 30 minutes and then add a consequence. 

    Eventually, as his behavior starts to shape up, it will become much easier for his playmates to welcome him into the fold. 

    And as we know, nothing ages worse than a not-so-fine whine.

 

The Compass Points South: A 15-Year-Old’s Craving for Independence

                                              

QUESTION:

I have a 15 year old daughter that I used to call my "compass" as she was such an easy child to raise. But, the last 2 years have been difficult. Now, I haven't spoken to her for 3 days because I know the result: she is grumpy, surly, rude and turns every interaction into an argument and complaint even if I am helping her. She even surprised me by being downright insulting to me when I wanted to ride a roller coaster with her. I am worried that if we speak, she will behave the same and just perpetuate the problem. She does not have social media, but does spend every allowed minute on her phone browsing Pinterest and watching Netflix (we set limits). We have now blocked her apps so that she can only call, text, and listen to music for 2 weeks and told her that until she can change her attitude and behavior, that will be extended and may lose the phone entirely. I have told her that I love her and want to restore our relationship, but don't know why she is acting this way.

ADVICE/SUGGESTIONS:

Good news!  Based on what limited knowledge I have of your situation, I proclaim you to be a Good Parent! And I also bestow a Proclamation of Normalcy upon your daughter.  A teenage daughter's yearning for independence takes many forms--many of them unique, but most all of them normal. Unfortunately, much of the time this yearning manifests itself in bad behavior. Some minimal bad behaviors, we can ignore. But many of these uncivil manners may need a memorable consequence. You mentioned that there has been no communication the last three days-- so enjoy the freedom from her surliness, grumpiness, etc.; this will not last. At this stage, minimal engagement with her is probably best, anyway.  She loves you, but may very well not like you for much of her teenage years. No worries--your job is not to create a Wonderful Relationship with her, anyway. That day will come---and maybe not till her adulthood.  But now, you are definitely riding a roller coaster with her; albeit a metaphoric, extended ride.   I love how you have her off social media, and I wouldn't hesitate to relieve her of her phone--period. You're a Good Parent because you love her, and are willing to discipline her and stick to your guns.  I wouldn't concern myself with any form of parent guilt, or the idea that you must appease her so that she will like you. That is not your job. You have already told her that you love her and want to restore the relationship, but I wouldn't harp on that continually. The book of Hebrews says, "Discipline will be painful(for both of you) for the moment, but in the end it will yield the fruits of peace and righteousness." As her behavior heads south. keep doing what is right in a calm, poised manner--even though she may keep doing  what is wrong. 

With a loving, yet firm and unyielding, parental hand----this too, shall then pass.

"Boxers on the Noggin'": The Silliness of a Boy--and his Disobedience

Question:

This is regarding the card system. The rules we initially established are: no hitting/kicking, no throwing and do what mom and dad say. So, sometimes we will be getting dressed and he’s being silly and sticking his underwear on his head. I say “put on your underwear now!” And he continues to be silly… do I say it again? Or immediately take a card away? There are a number of situations like this and sometimes I feel too permissive or too controlling and definitely not consistent. 

Advice/Suggestions:

Nowhere in your question do you mention your son's age, which could be somewhat relevant to the situation. Young boys/toddlers have been known to be silly and do silly things. Wearing underwear as a hat shows a creative use of imagination, as well as a way to get mom's attention. Maybe you should  join right in, and next time he dons his skivvies upon his head, put a pair on your head as well, and do a "briefs on the brain" dance with him. Have fun with it! My point: it's okay for him to be imaginatively silly. Enjoy this stage of life.

          In the future, if you need him to put his underwear on, just say casually once or twice, "Be downstairs in 5 minutes dressed and ready to go." Then leave the room.  If he comes down AFTER the  five minute time frame, or if he comes down not dressed and ready, with his underwear not covering the appropriate end, THEN he has demonstrated disobedience, and a card should be taken away.

             If you are relatively early-on in the Card program, I do think it is okay to voice one reminder. A lot depends on the age of the child. Eventually, there should be no reminders given. Suggestion: employ the use of an alarm clock, a stove timer, or better yet-the timer on your phone, to use for a variety of obedience/disobedience dilemmas: "you have five minutes to finish getting dressed"; "you have ten minutes to pick up your toys"; "you have 30 minutes finish your homework,"; "you have two minutes to be sitting down at the dinner table," etc., etc.    Obviously, having to set a timer after you make a request is not designed to be utilized endlessly, but periodically and early on in the program. In general, ignore the silliness, but take note of the disobedience. 

Don't Dis Respect

 

Question:

Our 8 year old has grown increasingly disrespectful. He is perfect respectful to adults like teachers and parents of his friends, so it is primarily an issue at home. 

Often the disrespect is related to feeling embarrassed by us. He is acutely aware of how he might come across to others, so he speaks disrespectfully when he feels embarrassed by us which seems to be often and for minor issues.  The disrespect does span to other situations-basically any time he feels like we did something with which he doesn’t agree. 

He is also often rude to his siblings. I know some sibling conflict is normal, but this seems excessive. I hear him multiple times per day tell his younger brothers how annoying they are, and he often yells at them to stop whatever behavior they are doing that he doesn’t like. 

We’ve been asking him to stop, and having him rephrase his disrespectful words, but this problem doesn’t seem to be improving. Thanks for your help in this matter. 

Advice/Suggestions:

During the early part of a child's latency period, he sometimes becomes self-conscious of his parents, usually around the 7-10 year age range....Therefore,  an 8-year old feeling embarrassed about his parents is not uncommon. The "Embarrassing Parent" syndrome may ebb and flow for the next several years, but he will outgrow it.  I wouldn't worry too much about that.  The disrespectful language and tone is more of a concern. However, the fact that he is perfectly respectful to adults OUT of  the home shows that he is perfectly capable of respecting the adults(and siblings) IN the home. Make it a "3-Strike and your Out" issue. Using a marker, number three index cards with the numerals 1-2-3 respectively, and clip the index cards to the refrigerator with a magnetic clip. Tell him ahead of time that any disrespect in word or tone toward his family members during the day will be dealt with. The first time during any particular day when he commits the sin of disrespect, have him go get the Strike 1 card from the refrigerator and hand it to you. With the second offense, have him hand you the Strike 2 card. On the third strike, levy a consequence---say, going to bed an hour early each day and no screen time for the next 3 days(or whatever--as long as he  really "feels" the consequence.)  Each day is a clean slate, starting with zero strikes. There is no need to discuss his offense each time he disrespects. Just calmly, in a few words, tell him to go grab a Strike card, and then drop the subject and move on. Show yourself to be completely unaffected by his behavior. Many kids love getting their parents riled up and relish the attention from them, even if it is negative. Let's not enable his attention-seeking behavior by "having a cow."   

And get ready! He will test you. Hold to the Strike Card program, and don't cave. He may pitch his own hissy fit, have a cow and a canary, but eventually he will get with the program--but he won't be cured in a day or two. Give it time. Let me know how things go.

The Terrible Threes: Taking a Powder with the Doctor

 

Question:

Threenagers worse than the terrible twos?

My 3.5 yr old daughter is very disrespectful toward myself and my husband. She's frequently whining, throwing tantrums, and during those tantrums yelling at mom and dad. We discipline but not sure it's working? Are we putting her in timeout for too long and she forgets why she's in trouble?

Advice/Suggestions:

I feel your pain. When my wife and I were raising our four children, I was aware of the horrors of the Terrible Twos. But the 2's were relatively peaceful for us. But when they turned 3+, I was shocked when the devil in them arose--ha! For three of our children, the 3's were the Terrible Twos. So the fact that your daughter goes ballistic much more as a three year old is not that uncommon.  

A couple of sidenotes: Timeouts tend not to make a lasting impression on the child, and are best used for relatively obedient children who may have misstepped briefly. Your situation is beyond that. And no, she has not forgotten why she is in trouble. Also, just because a parenting strategy isn't working, give it some time--and never cave to the child's emotional screaming and begging. 

There are periodic occasions when you can play oblivious, and her milder tantrums can be ignored and should be---pretend that you don't hear her; and you can even act like your talking on the phone, enjoying a conversation with a friend or whatever. Or tell her other siblings, "Let's go to the front porch and have a popsicle," all the while being poised and happy. The point being that little Juniorette eventually realizes that no tantrumizing or negative, attention-getting behaviors will affect your life in any way. And unfortunately for her, when she recovers from her overdramatizing, she won't get a popsicle . But if the tantrums are frequent or too extreme(which I gather they are or you would not have posed the question on this site)that you are unable to ignore them, then may I present  my own version of a couple of Rosemond techniques that have been successful for the parents in my practice:

1. Use the Tantrum Room- a special place(maybe the bathroom or laundry room--or even her bedroom, if nothing else is available)where she can to scream and pound the floor and tantrumize to her heart's content. Rosemond calls it the Powder Room---the place for a child to go when emotions get out of control.  You can tell her she needs to go "take a powder." When things are calm show her this designated place, informing her that it is her special yelling and crying spot. Show her the oven timer or an alarm clock, and tell her when she hears the timer go off after ten minutes( or more), she can come out from her Powder Room--and not until then--if she is ready to be a "big girl".  So whenever she has a conniption or is on the verge thereof, put her in her Most Extraordinary Place, and then set the alarm.  You may have to take her by the hand or even be more forcible physically to make sure she goes to the room and stays. Do a trial run. You can act like her and pitch a fit(to show her how silly it looks), and pound the floor-- and then she can be the mommy who tells you to "go take a powder."  Set the alarm for a minute and show her once in the room how to yell and pound the floor or whatever, and also show her how to  calm down.   Sidenote: Wherever you locate her Powder Room, make  sure that anything that may cause her to hurt herself or any sharp loose objects are removed. You may also want to remove most items of entertainment value, so it will remain a place of which she does not want to go; maybe use a room with just a few pillows and a few books that she can peruse. Laundry rooms tend to work best. 

 Also, feel free to use "The Doctor": Tell her you talked to the Doctor and that he said that when 3- year olds throw tantrums, it is because they are too tired and may need to go bed early for a few nights; and that you as her mommy must do what  the Doctor orders. 

In summary:  Playing the oblivious game, having her go to bed early, calling on the Doctor, and especially, using the tantrum room are four techniques you may want to consider using. Chapter 4 of Rosemond's book, "The Well-Behaved Child" details a similar situation further and is a great resource.........Keep me updated or contact me for clarification.

Mike Smart

"Parenting Outsmarted"

smartmike59@gmail.com

Out of Sorts with Sports--the Angst of a 7-year Old

 

Question:

Our seven year old son wanted to sign up for soccer this season. He played soccer once a few years ago but hasn’t played organized sports in a few years. So far, he has yet to go to a practice or a game. When he arrives, he freaks out, stays in the car, cries, and even hides. I think he’s incredibly nervous for some reason, and we can’t seem to talk him out of it. He’s generally an outgoing kid though he tends to be a little nervous in new situations.  When he’s not at a practice or game, he’s really excited and tells people he’s playing soccer.  He seems to genuinely want to play until he is actually at a game or practice, and then he’s just overcome with fear. I think he will love playing once he actually gets out there and gets over the hump, and we want to encourage him without making it a battle. Do you have any thoughts about helping him  feel brave enough to play? Thanks  

Advice/Suggestions:

Organized sports definitely have their place in our society--from one who has been involved in them my whole life; although the younger the child, the less valuable the impact and value of organized sports. However, there is no question in my mind that the best success stories in sports AND in life begin with an uncomfortable breakthrough opportunity; that momentous time when it is much easier to quit, and must riskier to put oneself "out there."  Choosing the risk, breaking through, and then following through can bring immeasurable satisfaction and self-confidence in a child. Kids will rarely risk feeling uncomfortable for the greater future good of which they cannot see.  And typically--without parental encouragement---the child will choose the passive,safer, less rewarding route.  Some considerations/options that may get Little Mister 7 to "go for it" at some point:

1. If he doesn't want to participate in the next practice---without any pleading on your part-- just have him sit with you in the bleachers and watch practice . You can bring a book to read and so can he--no electronics or screens. Don't allow him to go back to the car and sit.  Once or twice during practice, merely suggest that he participate.  

 2. Maybe he's not old enough to quite handle this yet. Maybe try again next season. There is a wide variety of emotional maturity at that age. Organized sports at a young age isn't for everyone. Instead, have a "soccer day" playdate or two at home or at a nearby park with siblings and friends his age, where they must have some "backyard soccer" and then have snacks during "halftime." 

 3. In many cases, this is just a phase that he will soon outgrow.  

4. Have someone else take him to practice. Sometimes, not having that "motherly security blanket" nearby will cause Junior to take a risk. 

5. Have a brief conversation with the coach of the team. Get his ideas on how to get your son to participate. Many coaches can be creative motivators and can convince hesitant participants to involve themselves in the activity. 

6. Tell him you're done carting him to practice and games if he chooses not to participate. Tell him that he can go to the practice/game AND fully participate--- or he can  stay home; and that you  will  have  a "fulfilling" activity for him in which to engage in place of soccer; maybe help mom with dinner or dust the house, etc.. If he says he will participate and wants to go to soccer--but changes his mind once you have gotten to the field, then there would need to be the implementation of a consequence/punishment. 

                                                                                                                    Good luck!

Mike Smart, CLPC

"Parenting OutSmarted"

smartmike59@gmail.com

Deconstructing the Monster: the 3D's at age 10

 

Question:

We are ready to reset with our 10-year-old son so that he understands we mean what we say and even more, understands consequences. How do we do that in a way that will work (sort of feeling like it's too late and we've created the monster by not sticking to stuff or allowing bad behavior). We're ready for drastic but is it too late?

Advice/Suggestions:

Let out a big "whew"--cuz it ain't too late!  Although the earlier you address his bad behavior, the easier. I heartily recommend a focused perusal of John Rosemond's book, "The Well-Behaved Child"; particularly the chapters concerning the strategy of Strikes and Target Misbehaviors. Particular strategies and consequences can be effective for a time, but most ANY strategy will work once the child sees the parent displaying consistent effective leadership. Does your child obey you? Or do you obey your child?

Here's a typical scenario:  The child takes on a 3D posture toward the parent(one of Disobedience, Defiance, or Disrespect--or any combination thereof); an engagement ensues; a war of words escalates; angers rise, the parent yells, threatens, etc. At this point, the parent has already lost the battle. Once the child has caused a family disruption, and has also caused the parent to react emotionally to his negative attention-getting behaviors, any opportunity to establishing proper leadership on the parent's part is gone. 

You said you are "ready for drastic." Are you really? If so, then from now on, when your son displays any of the 3D's. you give him a Strike(see "Well-Behaved Child"). On the third strike that day, give him a punishment that doesn't fit the crime--go a degree beyond. 

 Instead of one day without electronics and TV, make it a week. Instead of going to bed early for 3 days, make it 10 days, etc....In other words, make sure the punishment creates a Memorable Impression upon your son; so much so, that he will not want to exhibit that behavior again. 

You and your husband need to have a sit-down(or a Team Meeting, as I call it) with your son. Explain to him what the 3 D's are, and give some examples, then let him know that any 3D behaviors beyond the two strikes may result in some extreme punishment, and even give him some examples of what might happen. Then be prepared to implement, without caving, because he will test you soon. Always follow through--i.e. "say what you mean, and mean what you say.."  Behaviors he is used to getting away with will naturally continue to appear, at first-- so be ready. Cataclysmic tantrums and whining may occur--which means you are probably doing the right thing. Do understand that improvement may not be seen for two weeks or more.  

Mike Smart, CLPC

"Parenting OutSmarted"

smartmike59@gmail.com

6-Year Old Fit-Pitching: Stay Strong, Mom!

 

Question:

Our six and a half year old is not getting her responsibilities completed on school nights. She is in school all day and then goes to an after school program for a couple of hours (we both work). In the car on the way home, I remind her that her job when we get home is to empty her backpack, and then she can go play. Most of the time, we get home and she does not do this. She pets the dog, tells me about her day, etc. I remind her about her backpack, and she starts on it, then gets distracted again. We have started giving her a single warning, and after that, the consequence is that she goes to bed right after dinner. This rarely results in her getting her job done, and when we tell her she is going to bed right after dinner, she screams and cries (and often winds up being sent to her room until dinner).  I wonder if some of this is exhaustion - all day school plus after care - and we need to find a different approach (such as giving her 10-15 minutes when she gets home to calm down and make the rounds before she takes care of her backpack). But I worry that maybe I am being too soft, and we need to stick with our original rule about getting this job done as soon as we get home. I'd love some guidance on the best way to handle this!

Advice/Suggestions:

Good question! One mistake loving parents make----I'm assuming you are one of those loving parents based on your deep concern for your child, and simply the fact that you have subscribed to this website----is to assume that their consequences are inappropriate because of the overwrought emotional reaction of their child. Then because of that reaction, they fear some sort of everlasting emotional harm will come upon  their little one. Please-- set that notion aside, to be brought up nevermore.

One of the most loving things you can teach your young daughter is that your home will have firm boundaries; just like the family who puts up a fence around the backyard---a loving firm boundary designed to protect. And no amount of Fit-Pitching or Temper Tantrums will cause mom to change those loving firm boundaries. Many a greenhorn parent employs unwise short-term parenting consequences or a complete lack thereof, so as to assuage the fussing and tantrumming. Wiser, long-term parents are willing to put up with some crying and fussiness, so a teachable moment can be advantaged. Be a long-term parent, so you won't be dealing with selfish, childlike reactionary behaviors when your child is a preteen and beyond. End it now. 

As it relates to your above question, no different approach is needed. You do not have to give her 10-15 minutes to "make the rounds," when she gets home from school.  When she comes home, say hi and set the timer on the stove for 5 minutes. She will know that when that timer sounds, she is to have X,Y,& Z completed; then you will sit down, have a snack, and the two of you will talk about her day. Maybe you will want to set the timer for ten minutes, so she can feed the dog as well(or whatever) before snack-and-share time. A trial run might be necessary before you actually start--so she will know exactly what needs to be done right after school. and she will know how it is to be done. Your consequences that you have employed are fine. But remember, don't give up on the consequences just because they don't seem to be working. It may take a week or two or three of her spending a lot of time in  her room and going to bed early. At some point she will then have learned that mom, not she, is truly the one in charge.  And there is some security in your child knowing that. And then it will be time to put away your timer as well. Keep me updated, Lara!

Mike Smart, CLPC

"Parenting OutSmarted"

smartmike59@gmail.com

If I Could Save Time in a Battle-----When Siblings Collide

Question:

 When I put my children in the conference room for sibling conflict, what do you do if all they do is yell and fight while in there? Currently I just add more time when they start fighting. Sometimes it helps-- other times it does not.

Advice/Suggestions:

  Some additional information would be helpful, such as: How long have you been using the conference room (preferably, the "Peace Making Place") for sibling conflict?  What are the ages of your children and/or what is the age gap? Is one of the siblings  typically the instigator/perpetrator? Are there two siblings involved, or more than two?  Do they fight physically, and is the room safe from any "weapons"? Where is the Peace Making Place located in the house? How do you know that they "yell and fight?" The answer to these questions would allow me to fine-tune my answer. Feel free to provide this information, if you want to post about this topic again.  However, I will provide some general guidelines that may help answer your question, based on the particulars given. 

     As long as we don't have a "gingham dog /calico cat" situation happening(where the conflict becomes physical), I would stay the course. These things take time.  I would use a timing device (maybe an alarm clock, or timer on your phone, etc.) and set the number of minutes they are to stay in the PMP(Peace Making Place), based on the degree of their misbehavior. Once they are in the PMP, and the door is shut, remove yourself from hearing distance, especially if the yelling/fighting is bothersome to you. It is good for them to "figure it out", without your intervention, if at all possible.  Feel free to add minutes for any variety of reasons.  Allow them to come out when the alarm goes off, and ask them if they have worked out their conflicts. If things are resolved, have them give each other a hug, and they are free to go. If they haven't rectified the situation, they go back into the PMP for ten additional minutes or more. But trust me, they WILL work it out  They will NOT want to go back in there. Be sure the amount of time required in the PMP is long enough to produce a lasting memory for your children. Employ this technique throughout with an air of nonchalance and unemotional poise---yet with resolve and firmness.  If you have any further questions or concerns, feel free to contact me.

Mike Smart, CLPC

"Parenting OutSmarted"

smartmike59@gmail.com

    

 

I am Woman, Hear Me Roar---Even Though I'm Only 4!

Photo by Alexander Dummer from Pexels

QUESTION:

I am at my wits end. I am doing my best to do the ticket system with my children. My 4 year old daughter has maybe made it 1 day, at least until bedtime, without losing all of her tickets since we started about 3 weeks ago I believe. My issue is bedtime, she makes bedtime as difficult as humanly possible, she makes a million requests and asks a million questions and if at any time you draw a line she loses her ever loving mind. Absolutely no amount of preparing her that if she acts in a certain way she will lose xyz makes a bit of difference. She will NOT stay in her bedroom on her own no matter what so as advised there is a lock on the door, her bedroom is empty and her bed is on the floor. However, if her door is locked in order to contain her she will simple stand and bang on the door as hard as her little arms and legs can over and over and over. Our house is not large and it is very LOUD and enough to make any human being mental. HOW can I make this stop? I don’t feel like her behavior has improved in the slightest and really the only thing we’ve gotten out of it is the peace of her being confined to her room when she is not banging on the door. Other then making her stay in her room the entire next day I’m out of options of things to take away from her. 

ADVICE/ SUGGESTIONS:

I've noticed you've availed yourself of a variety of viewpoints on this website. I think you may be to the point that you might want to invest a few hundred dollars by hiring a Parenting Coach--since dealing with your daughter's issues has been a source of some ongoing turmoil. At times it is difficult to communicate solely through this website; there are too many nuances involved in familial relationships--that can only be truly understood through a more personal interaction. That being said, here are some thoughts based on the information you have revealed:

1. Finding the best parenting technique or strategy is NOT a priority in your situation.

2. Your response to her misbehavior IS a top priority.

3. Feel good that she is only four. If she were fourteen, solutions become much more difficult to find. This too shall pass.

4. Keep things simple.

5. Patience--this may not be solved quickly.

6. Show extra love and tenderness toward your daughter when the "iron is cold"; times when things are calm(bedtime is a good time for close moments). This kind of 1 on 1 time is immensely valuable.

Suggestion:  Your daughter needs to see that her misbehavior does not affect you in any way. You may be feeling turmoil inside, but don't let that show. Even when she "loses her everloving mind", you will always present yourself as calm, poised, content, and resolute. If she goes 3-D on you(Defiance, Disrespect, or Disobedience), give her consequences in a  matter-of-fact manner, verbalizing the offense in as few a words as possible, and move on. She will be loud and throw tantrums initially, but don't cave. Pretend you can't her hear while she is confined to her room, having a conniption fit. Buy some legit headphones, and crank up the music!  After several days of spending much of each day in her room----as long as you don't cave--you will began to see your special little girl gradually start to rappear.  Use a timer , set it outside her bedroom door, and inform her that she may come out when the alarm goes off.   As a sidenote, why are you allowing her to "make a million requests, and ask a million questions"? After a question/request or two, tell her that you're busy and walk away, and put your headphones on. 

Again, this is a simplified response based on my limited knowledge of the situation, and I will reiteratively suggest the hiring of a Rosemond Parenting Coach. And may I also recommend heartily the reading of John Rosemond's book "The Well-Behaved Child."

Mike Smart, CLPC

Parenting Coach

smartmike59@gmail.com 

 

A Sock in the Crotch: Focus on the Sock, not the Crotch

QUESTION:

I did not find this on the very long list of topics so here goes: i got a call from the teacher of my 6-year old grandson who said he is super bright in math and reading ( not sure if this is relevant or not) but  that he walks around sometimes and hits other boys in their privates. 

Is this a sexual thing or not? Hitting another child is not acceptable but this seems to be even worse. Please advise. There is no one else's philosophy I can stomach.

Thank you. 

ADVICE/SUGGESTIONS:

Feel free to unclench your intestine and relax, because I believe your grandson is not a sexual deviant.  Chances are highly likely that his actions have more to do with juvenile humor, instead of some carnal exercise. Many boys punch other boys in the nether regions because the perpetrator views the corresponding reaction to their below-the-gut thwack as simply hysterical. As you stated above, hitting another child is not acceptable--period, and I would approach this situation as  "hitting another child" not " hitting another child in the genitals."  If you "freak out" about the location of the fisticuff, rather than the fisticuff itself, you might want to get ready for some more of the same attention-getting behavior. The "tabooness" of it all can be a little too much for a 6-year old to handle.

Mike Smart, CLPC

"Parenting Outsmarted"

smartmike59@gmail.com